No I in Help

But there is in STRIVE.

But there is in PERFECTION.

But there is in CRIPPLE.

I have a confession I need to make:

I can’t stop striving for perfection.

This past Friday, I was terminated from an internship I had since the beginning of August. It was for marketing leggings. I was supposed to write case studies based on customers who participated in a challenge beforehand. I knew nothing about selling things. (though as much as I talk about music or certain books, I feel I’m helping sell them..) I also had no idea how to write case studies.

I will admit that from the beginning, it didn’t feel right. You know that feeling when your stomach drops the moment you say. “Yes.” but you ignore the breathlessness, and keep on walking? That was me. I wanted a challenge and my writing would be challenged. So, what better than write about people’s experience with a pair of leggings!

Two things I learned very quickly. One: It is VERY (almost near impossible) to write about something you don’t believe in. Two: Never feel you are burdening anyone by asking for help.

When I first started the internship, I was overly excited. Part of that may have been because during the interview, I was asked to read one of my poems. I had never done that before. I was so nervous that I found a short piece and read it quickly. I also said that all my poems were for, or about Jesus. And laughed.

To which I was asked: Why do you laugh when you say that? My words: I feel people are going to think it’s weird. That was true, but more than that, it’s hard for me to profess my faith. Especially out loud. Needless to say, I’ve felt serious guilt after that because I shouldn’t feel bad about exclaiming my love for the only man who will ever love me in just the right ways. Will delight in singing over me morning, noon, and night. What is going to overflow my cup, and what will immediately deplete it. Knows what makes me laugh and what makes me cry.

Speaking of crying, when I think, sing, or write about this Man who died on a cross, carrying all of my sins with Him into death, I want to sob. I don’t know how else to explain it other than that. Honestly, even saying His aloud makes my heart ache at the thought of how much He loves me. And I can so easily turn away.

I don’t know where exactly I was going with this post. I was going to talk about my constant desire for perfection through those two lessons I learned. Maybe I will tomorrow. I haven’t forgotten about the 265 days of praise, but I think I just became extremely honest here. It is scaring me quite a bit.


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