I’ve been thinking about this video lately.
Or rather a line that he talks about, as it refers to him being a songwriter: we came to mourn you, not to look in the mirror.
I’ve not been able to get that out of my head. For days.
What does it look like to mourn people?
I always get this image of a funeral service. People dressed in black and paying their respects one last time before the person who is deceased is laid to rest.
I’ve been thinking about this in terms other than physical death. Because I think this goes far beyond just that.
Have you ever lost something?
A pencil that was your favorite color?
A favorite book with an inscription inside the front cover?
A favorite pair of shoes?
You feel a little twinge that it’s gone, but most likely you can replace what you’ve lost.
Now have you ever lost a friend? One day, you woke up and realized that while you were traveling through life together, you came upon a fork in the road.
They went one way.
You went the other.
Leaving you with only memories to hold on to and a farewell smile.
I’ve been going through this recently. Except it isn’t just with a friend, but with my Dad.
Lately, I find myself looking at him and thinking: Who are you?
What happens when someone lies to you? Repeatedly. Maybe that’s the starting point for when so many of us become lost.
When the person you thought you knew becomes a stranger. Someone who likes to play hide & seek, hoping you’ll never find them. Someone who replaces an invaluable affirmation, “I love you.” with monetary items, like a quick candy bar or an entire Subway meal.
This is where I feel the second part of that lyric comes in: not to look in the mirror.
The days I have spent in anger of how my Dad is & how change seems years away, I often forget how I am just like him.
I hide. Behind true feelings. Behind silence. Behind wanting people to see me. Instead of Christ. Which is hideous.
I actually don’t like people looking to ME. I’m awkward and on my own, apart from Christ, I won’t point people in the right direction. But, I do go through this internal battle of: PLEASE OH PLEASE LOOK AT ME. to..I have nothing to offer, avert your eyes away.
The times I look at my Dad in the eyes, I am looking at myself in the mirror.
I’m staring at this 23 year old little girl, who looks to someone to build me up.
Most times, other people.
I stubbornly turn away from love that seeks to completely me & run straight to the brokenness wishing to deplete me.
I let emotions overrule me.
Words hurt me.
They stay with me.
And just like my Dad, my past loves to haunt me. Everyday.
I must remember that God forgave me for my sins. Still does when I slip up & ask humbly for His forgiveness.
He still lavishes me in His love. Whether I want it or not. He waits without hurry, waiting to hear from his child that willing chooses to go astray.
Underneath all the pain, shame, hurt, guilt, and pride, is a man God died to save.
Today, I will start taking the teaching of Jesus to heart: to not forgive seven times. But seventy. To love with my presence, than just words.
To let others love me, so that one day, when my Dad is ready (if he ever becomes ready.), I can love him in the exact way Jesus loves me.
With patience. Understanding. Gentleness. Kindness. Mercy.
For anyone else that may be dealing with something similar to this: I pray that we may walk towards the truth that we need not to look at the person as if they are dead, but to the sin and actions that are killing them. We must lift their name to the Father and let Him work on the healing only He can provide.
Let us walk with Him and embrace His gift of the fruit of the Spirit which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22, 23 ESV)