Exhale

1.
You CANNOT FAIL.
She told me, Jesus
took away the choice
to die.

I told her, ok, unsure
if more should be said-
how I told Him to take me,
even though I’m not ready,
earlier that day.

I laid in bed, a thought
turning over twice more
than my uncomfortable body:
I keep trying to take this life
in my own strength.

2.
Taking my own life
has made lethargy
my best friend.
It’s not my life to sleep
years off.

3.
Today, I woke up,
washed this aged companion
stuck between each eyelash,
readying myself for an answer
I already knew:
“The deadline has passed,
but you can apply for spring.”

Oh God, I’ve cried,
what have I done?
It is MY fault.
I should of listened
and stayed in school
as instructed.

4.
My heart knew only
work for approval’s sake-
mine & those I love.
Forget the passionate
dream fueling
authenticity.

5.
Get that A.
A 3.5 or higher.
A degree in something worthy of
A decent paycheck so you have
A better life for yourself without
A mass of debt later.

Be independent.
Try, try, try again.
Be the best you can be.

7.
All these lies have engrained
within my head, heart & soul.
The ‘best you can be’ isn’t meant negatively,
but oh, how I twist my mother’s advice to mean “world standards.”

I want to be me
minus perfuse apology
for failings never mine
to grieve-

8.
a redirection
I can’t yet see.

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