Admitting My Heart

“Open up.” He said, placing His hand on mine.
“I can’t.” I shuddered under His gentleness.
Why are you so afraid to trust Me? He asked.
My hand tightened into a fist, shaking. “I don’t know what You’re doing anymore. I’m not hungry. I’m not thirsty. I should eat and drink, I know. My stomach growls, but if I feed it, it’s going to be junk food. Oreos most likely. Even drinking, all I crave is sugar. I don’t really want it, though.”
“I know. Why are you crying, My child?” He turned my face towards His smile. I gasped as each tear found it’s way into His hand. Beaten. Worn. Warm.
“I don’t understand myself anymore. Have I always stared so intensely at people when I don’t know what to say? Or don’t know where to look? It is rude, isn’t it? I should look down, right? And smiling so easily without a reason? What’s that? I speak when I shouldn’t. I cut people off mid-sentence, sometimes way before. I want attention, but I don’t. When I do have it, I don’t enjoy or believe I deserve it. I shut down because the time is going away. But, then I feel I have to fill the time with something worthy. It can’t be silence. It can’t. It’s unacceptable. It’s wasted. I’m wasting people’s time. Even if some tell me I’m not, I still believe I am.
I can’t enjoy any honest relationship of any kind because deep inside, there’s still this self-hatred. I shouldn’t hate myself. I shouldn’t because You love my crippled body. Every intricacy you wove in my mother’s womb. I can’t stop tearing myself to shreds, by other words or my own. I’m sorry.”
“You know what I see? A little girl who’s put too much expectation on herself and what others ask. A little girl still working for love. A little girl afraid silence will leave her a mess of tears and lonely. A little girl who has been told asking for help or love is a sign of weakness. A little girl who has known heartbreak. A little girl with a smile that will forever bring Me joy. A little girl who sings with a brimming of tears, because she loves Me and can explain no other way. A little girl who is tired of goodbye. A little girl who is wanting someone to let her come as is and fully accept her. A little girl who’s been waiting for a true friend. A little who didn’t know she’s been waiting for Me.”
He wrapped me in His arms, letting me weep on His shoulder until I was empty. “You can stay forever. I’ll love you as you’ve longed. Shh. All will be alright.”

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2 thoughts on “Admitting My Heart

    • I stumbled upon this again..ughh, Hollie, I feel this deeper than when I wrote it. This whole self-hatred thing. And it makes me cry. And then the last line-whoa. #unravelingiam #thankfuliamnotalone #loveyou #verymuch

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