Lying To Myself

Dirtied bare soles
before my eyes.

We must move.
We must go.
We must do.
We must live.

We must.
Always run.
Running.
Never ran.

Ameslan-
stay present tense.
don’t walk, run.
Find yourself.

Now.

Don’t go slower
remembering why,
Who, when, or even what.

It is the how I am passing through
in the backseat on the way home
from grabbing late night icecream.

How can I be this lonely with two
other people in the car, recounting memories as strangers turned friends, now lovers?

How can I when they’re reminiscing separate, but equally important memories with me?

Walking the length of IHOP’s parking lot, laughing until we found the exit to walk inside, because we were talking.

The time we played in a playhouse and he came out of nowhere, knocking out my neck breath,
saying, Come on, Julia. Get up.

Crawled away.

How can I have this pang
ever time he turned around,
said Your name & I’m smiling?

How can I not be longing
physically embrace from my Beloved, when before me there is
laughter, remembrance, arm touches?

How come by night’s end
I’m asking You to forgive me
for words I didn’t mean,
said anyway?

I fear You will stop loving
me.

I want You near
enough to lose my breath,
stop my lonely,

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry.

I don’t want
hurry, but I want
Your lovingkindness
to replace my dirty.

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2 thoughts on “Lying To Myself

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