When I Lost Faith I Want Back

What I can say

here on this rocking chair,

on this porch, worn by summer heat

You haven’t heard?

Before it breaks my heart,

I’ll speak plainly.

I’ve watched people raise Hell

as if they have the highest privilege

cutting others down with not

sworded edges,

but words.

Do you know anyone who did that?

He did that.

She did, too.

It’s all about her.

I won’t say I haven’t judged,

still catch myself on hardest days

recalling to memory a home

waiting with doors cast wide.

Someone’s smile beaming,

running toward me with sweetest



Days have passed

In laughter’s end,

where I have found myself

mentally whispering: thank you.

I never knew in this desert land,

You’d stay true on Your promise.

I’ll keep your heart young, darling.

I have forgotten what a child does

not lack: faith in Santa Claus.

That wasn’t me.

When I was young,

I would scream, crying for my mother to come wrap me up again.

Take me off his lap.

His beard & ho ho ho

scared me most of all.

No one in the world

can be that joyful

all the time.

That year I found out

my parents were him,

I must have forgot you.

The fear came every Christmas,

still comes to this day.

I make up scenarios that night.

You’ll come down and say:

It’s time to go now.

I cower, crying: I’m not ready!

You take me anyway.

It’s not true, I know.

Rewriting the story of Your little girl,

knowing the death grip, longing

all along she’d save part of herself.

Finding the hard way home

becoming where all of You began.


4 thoughts on “When I Lost Faith I Want Back

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