If This Is Loneliness, I Am Honest

I wake early where world is hushed,

black bruise turned dark blue.

Lightest whisper coming still

a well to break my will. I do not want,

nor wish to show my weakness, but

my eyes fill with wonder, if lonely

shows my desperation for You.

Someone said this is an intimate cry

for You to hold my doubting face

between compassionate, scarred

hands, simmering with remark:

You are beautiful, there is no blemish

I see. You’ve made mistakes. You

have run and sought idols,

promising: never will I idle you. When

you see they all leave you, you cry,

Doesn’t anyone love me? Why won’t

anyone stay beside me long?

I watch your fall below, as a leaf

draws near the dirtied earth.

Stepped on & over, you forgo love,

burying your brilliant color under

soiled shame. I don’t deserve this,

a whisper caught between your

cracking spine, where I began.

You were a forethought.

The sun & moon could go in night’s

cover. A sparrow could fall mid flight

without their companion. How much

more do I love you! Why do you try

so hard to prove yourself to me?

I don’t care whether you didn’t call,

even though every thought is telling

you to push away the wait. I’m

asking you to be still. Your mind runs

away: I am not being productive. I’m

not doing what I’m told. I’m making

a mistake. I am a mistake. I must be

upsetting You, too. I should move

faster. Fast as these thoughts so I

make You proud. I can’t fail You, too.

Darling, your worry breaks My heart.

I clothe every flower, how much

more I care for the state of your

heart. You do not have to fear,

I am here with you. Do not fear

gazing in My eyes longer than you

are used to. I want you to know

I see you. All the pain. All the fear

whether this is true. I am no human,

but I clothed Myself in skin, tempted

with the riches of the world, tested

by Satan, to throw Myself under to

be lifted high again by angels. You

don’t have to test me. I am your

God, friend who knows the

weakness to believe you are the only

one who is misunderstood, lonely.

I hung on a cross, naked, pinned

with blood all down my body.

My mother cried with my friends,

knowing I was to die.

Stones and whips made Me cry out:

Father, why have you forsaken Me?

Forgive them, for they know not

what they do. I was alone, empty,

afraid. Still, I said, Father, I place My

spirit into Your hands. This is how

I love you. I love you first, before

Myself, so I may come to you every

day with Love upon my lips, glinting

shine in My eyes, waiting to hear you

speak sweetly your request: My face

absent reproach you announce over

yourself.

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12 thoughts on “If This Is Loneliness, I Am Honest

  1. I was thinking about you this morning! I love this!
    I also love how sweet an innocent your poetry is!
    Thank you for your prayers for my daughter! She is better and I wanted you to know that yesterday she said Mummy I need to pray for a tender heart!
    I loved that!
    I hope your week is off to a wonderful start! Much love to you sweet one!

    • โ˜บ๏ธ If i’m honest, I’ve been struggling with how deeply Jesus loves and accrpting it. But He’s very patient and understanding while I cry out.

      This is for your daughter: Blessed are the pure in heart,
      for they will see God. โค I pray she becomes captivated by Him. And you too ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you! โค๏ธ

      • Well you are not losing it.. At least totally – ha! I can say this because I have been there!! You completely echo what I have struggled with my whole life when you said- when something good happens then I get scared–I mean I think it’s one of Satans meanest tricks – the fear and doubt that attacks the sweetest and purest gifts from God !! Wanna punch it all:) – what’s your email? I’ll send you my digits– in the meantime , you may have read my beautiful scars post — it reminds me of the hard hard place we find ourselves –love and peace today to you!!

  2. Here He goes again…this spoke to me so right where I’m at…I just spent the day talking to him about being lonely. Such beautiful words and prose, yes I had tears again, the best kind=). Thank you sister!
    Hollie

    • Oh, I started laughing when I read, “Here He goes again..” ๐Ÿ™‚ I spent the weekend crying, writing, and being quiet. This is tough because ugh, the minute I become okay, or happy about something, I freak out and sob because I know it isn’t going to last, so why take it? I’ve been tempted to randomly text (yes, i know i don’t have your numbe) and be like: HOLLIE, I’m losing control!!! You’re welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

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