Instead, I Bit My Begging Tongue Seeking Rest

I keep hearing a whisper

small enough to come

from my troubled breath.

Trust.

I press the number,

listening as a woman questions

how she can help.

I explain calling yesterday,

how I haven’t received

an answer yet.

My voice becomes

silent, static filling

my eardrums thinking

maybe she hung up.

Nervous tense.

Surprise breaks forth,

almost a laugh

not able to clear

the crackling. Well,

of course you haven’t heard

back. It takes up to 48 hours,

2 days for someone to hear back.

I don’t catch anything, except

48 hours. 2 days. I go quiet,

hoping this will sink,
stick as a post-it note

He’s been writing all over

my heart: Be still & know

I am God. I will fight this

battle for you. I speak again,

Okay, thank you. I know

I sounded dead. No, I think

empty of any control, better suits

the tone aiding my grief.

I wanted to tell her: I’m doing

what I’m asked. I don’t want

to go here, but this is my only

option. I’m so tired of working

for approval, From you, everyone else,

God, and most importantly myself.

I have to reach the top, without

asking for help. Of course

I want friends, but they distract me

from work I should, know I have to

get done. I can’t multitask. One

or the other, or none. I want Him, God,

to prolong this as long as He wants.

I have made too many mistakes,

making any good and perfect gift

given by my Father above,
a too soon undeserving cry:

I hurt You. You can’t give me

anything. I don’t deserve anything

if I bawl, instead of thanking You

for loving me through each failing.

I’m sorry if this too much,

but you must know the longing

when you’ve strayed away

your lover’s hand, groping

day and might to rest

the apologetic fingers inside.

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2 thoughts on “Instead, I Bit My Begging Tongue Seeking Rest

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