From Fainting Heart In Love

I will praise you, my Friend.

In these hands emptied,

filling will love material,

lingering touch remains

on my lips. Jesus, l love

resting on us. Let afflicted

hearts hear through these

words: You are with us.

Let us proclaim our love,

near, far, close, apart,

we start, end together.

I sought my companion,

He said, Come lean in My hand.

You’ll get back up with Me alone.

I saw in those dawning eyes,

a radiant truth I can’t escape

even now, My Daddy never puts

His children to shame.

Poor men cry, their tears suddenly

dry with my Father’s thumb.

Angels surround those.

awed in His delivering love.

Taste and see goodness,

blessed are you who shelter

inside His wing.

Love our Father, you

His set apart people,

for those who respect His wishes,

lack nothing. Lions may starve,

their tummies rumbling discontent.

Those who seek kindest eyes—

a mix of sorrowed gladness,

lack no good thing.

Can you hear sweetest voice,

Come, My children, I will

teach you way of love.

You who love cracking up,

an aching side bone

from joy gone quiet

way of winter goodbyes.

Swallow slithering urge

your tongue longs purging,

speaking ill over all I love,

curling up the good intentioned heart

only to die. Bite your tongue, disregard

lies only your demise. Seek peace,

let the pursuit overtake you.

My Daddy’s eyes are on the fair,

His ears eager for their cry;

but a cold shoulder shown to evildoers,

remembering not their name

throughout the Earth.

I cry out and Daddy comes running,

brokenhearted, crushed spirit,

He saves me again & again.

I may, no, have many troubles,

prone fall with a scrape, bruise

collection, but never a broken limb.

Evil brings down the wicked,

condemnation brought against my foes,

loving my Daddy shall give way to pointed finger

I let define me wrong.

Human First, So I Too Love

You spoke me in lines.

Oh my darlin’ come awake!

Let those blues meet infinite

expanses, where dreams break

open your mouth as you wish.

You cry to these thieves thick

with the same welling you learn

lonely by misplacing another will.

Sumatra, they will tell tell you.

It’s better to be an island,

you’re protected this way.

You’ll forget Me—how I dress

the daisy, colored yellow bumble

bee. A sting found sitting in a pew,

thinking I will come out of the box,

where they say lie My remains.

I will scream, condemn, hurt you,

as the people arguing beside you after leaving.

You’ll look for a drug—not alcohol, cocaine, or Mary Jane—

no, you’ll look for approval in your mother, father, any friend,

even your own eyes. Every move you’ll question, not wanting

a mistake defining forevermore. You’ll become lost, nervous, aching,

crying: won’t someone tell me where I can be found? You’ll find yourself

walking through walls: heartbreak of a boy eager for flesh, your parents

hanging between hello & goodbye, and your need to be seen by the world/

You’ll find Me here, breathing a songbird melody

down inside your heart, caged too long in fright

you may not be worthy. Such a tuning could make

you proud, wasting time while others move along.

I don’t win hearts over the same as how the west

was won, through anger & bloodshed. No,

I extend My hand to you, Jack to Jill,

where we walk living water & child.

Up the hill, I look you over, smiling,

My dear, do not fear, the best day of your life

rests in My hands, don’t you see these moments

are not a hologram, but pure heart?

Hashing

My Father,

You have sought with adoring eye

the pound signing my heart.

When I rise, a beat sounds,

#Daddydaddydaddy

#whereareYouat

#drawn

#inlovingkindness

#what?

#what?

#no

I breath, letting

my brain hash through all

these thoughts.

They tag me at night,

seeking while I hide

undercover.

#lonelyforever

#misunderstoodadultftw

#Jesuslovesme

#thisiknow

#fortheBibletellsmeso

#whydontibeliveit?

You know this before

I let my tongue confide

my fear to my mother.

My mom’s friend.

My friends near in speech,

physically far from me.

I am hemmed.

#in

#behind

#before

Your hand lays upon me.

Knowledge too sweet,

wonderful to understand.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

#aloneinacrowd

Flee from Your presence?

#IAMrightheredarling

#donotfear

If I go in the heavens?

#IAMthere

Make my bed in this paining valley?

#wearesharingthecovers

Rise on winged dawn,

renounce myself seaside?

#foreveralwaysyourguide

#righthandholdsfast

I’ve said, “Surely, my anxiety

will hide me and You,

Your smile become

night to me.”

Even while I wonder,

push a distance

between my need,

want, plea remains

#Daddydaddydaddy

#IMNOTREADY

#Whatswrongwithme

#dontleaveme

Night the same as day.

My inmost being,

a little girl secretly sewn

inside Mother’s womb,

the secret dwelling place.

#fearfully

#wonderfullydisabled

#countingonYouDaddy

Wonderful are Your works,

I am beginning to know

my framed need was never hidden

from Your delighted mind,

seeing this day and every other

ordained as I was dusty Earth.

Before my breath.

My blinking eyes.

My blue.

My pink coloring,

thanks to Your spilled love.

#Mysacrifice

#Iwantyouinmylife

#eternally

I cannot these thoughts

dripping irrevocable sincerity

above me.

#grainsofsand

#fallingthrough

#myempty

#spaces

Your love weighs toward me.

#vastsums

#greaterthanmoney

I blink, breath, awake,

I am still with you.

#alive

If only, Daddy,

You would say the wicked,

those haughty with thirst

for blood. How they want

kill, misusing God

with new meaning:

“I take the head, You stay tail.”

Do I not hate them, for they want

Your throne? My hatred a waterfall.

searched by compassionate eye,

knowing how I work my own strength,

until I fall down expectation’s wormholes.

Where my heart calls,

#readyforYourhand

#leadme

#wayeverlasting

Thanksgiving

Shepherd of my soul,

I’ve been in distress

hidden behind these windows

blue.

I’ve shut them,

collecting water found inside

rain cloud.

Waiting direction

to fall heavy, burdened no more

by puffy weight not meant eternal.

A little sheep lost in pasture,

my mouth has continued crying,

Bah, bah, bah, bah!

My intention not absent care,

though these calls offered

come through burnt lips,

my heart desires

Your hushing tone

when I quiver loneliness.

I am thankful, my Friend,

the hands pressing comforting

joy through prayer, lifting

my name high as a banner

crying silently.

To be Your Beloved,

without doubt nor worry.

All I ask of Thee.

I know this:

You give me,

this child drawn kindly,

loving hold.

Trading my weakened right,

for intimate friendship,

leaning upon everlasting grace.

Walking away from horse or chariot,

where I let tempter demand,

Fall on your hands & knees,

worship me! We will love,

carry you dreams away.

Only You make me rise,

stand firm. Believe

I am loved.

Show me,

give King Almighty

victory!

Linings Silver

Author’s Note: Today, one of my best friends published her first book of poetry. The following poem is how I responded after seeing how many likes she received after publishing the news on Facebook. I’m learning how quickly the Devil will use such a thing as numbers to make me feel useless, my words, voice don’t matter. Not true. I’m sorry if my “woe is me” stole your joy for even a second, Megan. I’m so so so so so PROUD OF YOU FOR FIGHTING THOSE COLD FEET! I’m so thankful God put you in my life so I could freely BE MY CRAY, IMPERFECT SELF! 🙂 (I yell at her all the time.. 😉 ) I love you, Megan. Thanks for letting me be part of this. PEOPLE OF WORDPRESS & BEYOND: GO BUY THIS GIRL’S BOOK..RIGHT. NOW. Please? ❤  On to the poem….

In this pitiful soul,

tossing & turning on mistake heavy bedsheets,

I am thought beautiful ruin.

We talk hushed, our language breath

I let go when enclosed by You.

My inhalations frustrated.

How could I let jealousy steal

me away again? This isn’t

about me, slow numbers

climbing up a hill, only brought

halfway to a sudden halt.

No, a friend has stepped

out on cold feet making waters,

only to see You, marvelous light,

calling: Come to me! She doesn’t

hesitate. cannot turn down

invitation to dine at Your table.

Sharing the bread & wine of Life.

She ignores the doubting wind,

waiting perfect time to drown

her lovingkindness smile.

She steps one shaky foot

after another, out of the boat,

while I sit still, I am so proud!

But, slowly, a sinking fear grips

my shrinking heart.

What about me?

He must not love me as much.

She turns back, not fearing fall,

extends her hand to pull me up

and out beside her.

You’re cray. He loves you, too.

I wouldn’t have had the courage

without you. I hug her tight.

We pull apart, walking

hand in hand to You,

our Father’s roomy embrace.

And Believe

Have I become over analytical? I ask in my tired mind.

A little bit. A whisper on the verge of a laugh. I can hear a smirk.

I’m glad this is funny. I say sarcastically. Tears well behind these cloudy skies.

Hey, don’t cry, darling. I understand better than you think.

You know what’s like to want to be with your best friend, alone? Hearing only whispers, yet wanting to be wrapped in their arms? Hold their hand? Revel in the silence on their shoulder, with both of your breaths exhaling joy? Read their letters to you, portraying a self-portrait that scares you to the core?

Oh, child. You are going to get a frown line in your forehead if you keep questioning every good thing I’m giving. My presence going away. I know you feel a strong urge to sit and weep. It’s My love for you. You aren’t doing anything wrong by opening yourself to Me. Even if you feel you are losing control. I’m still here. With you. I’m not leaving.

I can’t even be thankful for everything I have in this moment. This nagging thought won’t leave me alone. Something will happen. Something horrible. I’m doing wrong by sitting here with You, instead of praying without music. Quietly in a journal. I’m not supposed to pray in the open. Behind closed doors in secret is how. What if this is saying, “I’m praying better than you.”?

You aren’t boasting in you. I haven’t heard you say, “I want to spend hours fulfilling my whims. See ya.” I see where your thoughts have been going. You want to become My Beloved. You want My love consuming you. You want all the answers right now. You don’t want to disappoint Me. You want to know Me more, but still fear condemnation You aren’t going to die until My plan for you is complete.You don’t need to worry, I know you want to see and enjoy Me here on earth.

You know how You say, “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.”I’m pretty sure I take this promise to an extreme. You aren’t going to fall out of the sky and scream at me. Or smite me. You know this already, but I’m still so stuck in the cycle of I did, I am, I will always be wrong, so therefore I don’t deserve love. Oh, Jesus, I know what I’ve done.. How this fall has distorted my view. I see the violence. The greed, selfishness, anger, sorrow, loss. Day and night, my thoughts torment. I go from joyed to sorrowed quicker than I’d d like. As if I’m grieving my own death. It will not let go.

What would you like?

To rest in Your embrace. To hear my name whispered on Your lips.

Anything else, My sweet darling?

To live Your Beloved.

Until I Spill Belief

I wake.

My eyes close.

I fall, void dream,

pulling this comforter over

my ear begging hush.

My mother calls my name.

Am I ready?

It’s time for a shower.

I mumble a possible disagreement.

I’m lost, half here, half residing

inside a misunderstood state.

Days. Nights. In between.

I get up, carrying these weak,

week long confused bones

forward.

Step into space I am washed

clean.

Mercies promised new

today.

I dress, laying myself down.

Again.

I’m fighting sleep,

Chatter voices.

Steps coming in,

out.

She says she loves me.

She’ll see me later.

Door closes.

I don’t respond

half asleep.

I wake again,

look at all the notifications

my phone wishes present me.

They make me lonely.

No, empty,

Emails buzz.

I look, swipe.

Delete.

A joy filled text message

I try grasping. Glass

prevents me.

Empty.

Moments later, I mouth

Your name. Jesus.

Focus my attention.

My breath, rising.

Falling down.

Begins again.

I think nothing.

Middle of my thumb

rests on each four fingers.

(inhale)

My.

(exhale)

(inhale)

God.

(exhale)

(inhale)

Loves.

(exhale)

(inhale)

Me.

I question.

My critic repeating,

Really?

How much longer?

Is it over yet?

I’m twisting

my fingers,

or maybe my heart

through sun warming

my fidgety eyelids.

Heaven’s kingdom

inside me.

Water falls.

Joy.

I don’t feel this.

I want feelings.

I sit, my thumb

guides my thoughts back.

My God loves me.

I try envisioning Your smile

as I runrunrun toward open mouth

laugh. There is a tree I must be hiding

behind. I am squinting.

You look blurry, a massive

tear bending to pick up a child.

Ot maybe a flower.

You look delighted either way.

You are looking at me,

this little girl in front of You,

and yet behind this tree.

Eve hiding.

Everything turns black

as I recite Your prayer:

Father in Heaven,

hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come.

Your will be done

on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day.

our daily bread,

and forgive us

our trespasses,

as we forgive those

who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For Your is the kingdom,

the power & the glory.

Forever & ever.

Amen.

Eyes take in

the semi-dark room

rushing sleepiness

Your spirit distilled

with water flowing

within.

Taste A Part, See Apart

I am in a room,

sitting atop a comforter

with dim light above my head.

Rain drip drops outside window panes

I can’t call mine. Nor this green jacket.

This laptop I’m clacking this confession

urging my fingers take my voice hostage,

a timeframe I have pled hurry along.

I am eager for control.

I do not want a decision

arresting burden to my chest.

Heart knows the failures

I’ve let imprint minor worth,

tell me another submission

will crack the floodgate

awaiting joyous praise.

Acceptance from world wide

masses I crave.

This is lying.

I hide behind thank yous,

reading someone tell me

my command with language

is quite impressive.

In my mind, I think

God it’s you coming through

these broken sentences.

I am moving with whispers

hidden within the white spaces.

Where I am absently breathing,

Can I not expand this swelling head

aching a question I can’t extract

pure vanilla tasting.

Will someone rest me

inside a word, a name,

an embrace I’m can’t sense

anymore.