Until I Spill Belief

I wake.

My eyes close.

I fall, void dream,

pulling this comforter over

my ear begging hush.

My mother calls my name.

Am I ready?

It’s time for a shower.

I mumble a possible disagreement.

I’m lost, half here, half residing

inside a misunderstood state.

Days. Nights. In between.

I get up, carrying these weak,

week long confused bones

forward.

Step into space I am washed

clean.

Mercies promised new

today.

I dress, laying myself down.

Again.

I’m fighting sleep,

Chatter voices.

Steps coming in,

out.

She says she loves me.

She’ll see me later.

Door closes.

I don’t respond

half asleep.

I wake again,

look at all the notifications

my phone wishes present me.

They make me lonely.

No, empty,

Emails buzz.

I look, swipe.

Delete.

A joy filled text message

I try grasping. Glass

prevents me.

Empty.

Moments later, I mouth

Your name. Jesus.

Focus my attention.

My breath, rising.

Falling down.

Begins again.

I think nothing.

Middle of my thumb

rests on each four fingers.

(inhale)

My.

(exhale)

(inhale)

God.

(exhale)

(inhale)

Loves.

(exhale)

(inhale)

Me.

I question.

My critic repeating,

Really?

How much longer?

Is it over yet?

I’m twisting

my fingers,

or maybe my heart

through sun warming

my fidgety eyelids.

Heaven’s kingdom

inside me.

Water falls.

Joy.

I don’t feel this.

I want feelings.

I sit, my thumb

guides my thoughts back.

My God loves me.

I try envisioning Your smile

as I runrunrun toward open mouth

laugh. There is a tree I must be hiding

behind. I am squinting.

You look blurry, a massive

tear bending to pick up a child.

Ot maybe a flower.

You look delighted either way.

You are looking at me,

this little girl in front of You,

and yet behind this tree.

Eve hiding.

Everything turns black

as I recite Your prayer:

Father in Heaven,

hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come.

Your will be done

on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day.

our daily bread,

and forgive us

our trespasses,

as we forgive those

who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For Your is the kingdom,

the power & the glory.

Forever & ever.

Amen.

Eyes take in

the semi-dark room

rushing sleepiness

Your spirit distilled

with water flowing

within.

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5 thoughts on “Until I Spill Belief

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