And Believe

Have I become over analytical? I ask in my tired mind.

A little bit. A whisper on the verge of a laugh. I can hear a smirk.

I’m glad this is funny. I say sarcastically. Tears well behind these cloudy skies.

Hey, don’t cry, darling. I understand better than you think.

You know what’s like to want to be with your best friend, alone? Hearing only whispers, yet wanting to be wrapped in their arms? Hold their hand? Revel in the silence on their shoulder, with both of your breaths exhaling joy? Read their letters to you, portraying a self-portrait that scares you to the core?

Oh, child. You are going to get a frown line in your forehead if you keep questioning every good thing I’m giving. My presence going away. I know you feel a strong urge to sit and weep. It’s My love for you. You aren’t doing anything wrong by opening yourself to Me. Even if you feel you are losing control. I’m still here. With you. I’m not leaving.

I can’t even be thankful for everything I have in this moment. This nagging thought won’t leave me alone. Something will happen. Something horrible. I’m doing wrong by sitting here with You, instead of praying without music. Quietly in a journal. I’m not supposed to pray in the open. Behind closed doors in secret is how. What if this is saying, “I’m praying better than you.”?

You aren’t boasting in you. I haven’t heard you say, “I want to spend hours fulfilling my whims. See ya.” I see where your thoughts have been going. You want to become My Beloved. You want My love consuming you. You want all the answers right now. You don’t want to disappoint Me. You want to know Me more, but still fear condemnation You aren’t going to die until My plan for you is complete.You don’t need to worry, I know you want to see and enjoy Me here on earth.

You know how You say, “Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.”I’m pretty sure I take this promise to an extreme. You aren’t going to fall out of the sky and scream at me. Or smite me. You know this already, but I’m still so stuck in the cycle of I did, I am, I will always be wrong, so therefore I don’t deserve love. Oh, Jesus, I know what I’ve done.. How this fall has distorted my view. I see the violence. The greed, selfishness, anger, sorrow, loss. Day and night, my thoughts torment. I go from joyed to sorrowed quicker than I’d d like. As if I’m grieving my own death. It will not let go.

What would you like?

To rest in Your embrace. To hear my name whispered on Your lips.

Anything else, My sweet darling?

To live Your Beloved.

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