Hashing

My Father,

You have sought with adoring eye

the pound signing my heart.

When I rise, a beat sounds,

#Daddydaddydaddy

#whereareYouat

#drawn

#inlovingkindness

#what?

#what?

#no

I breath, letting

my brain hash through all

these thoughts.

They tag me at night,

seeking while I hide

undercover.

#lonelyforever

#misunderstoodadultftw

#Jesuslovesme

#thisiknow

#fortheBibletellsmeso

#whydontibeliveit?

You know this before

I let my tongue confide

my fear to my mother.

My mom’s friend.

My friends near in speech,

physically far from me.

I am hemmed.

#in

#behind

#before

Your hand lays upon me.

Knowledge too sweet,

wonderful to understand.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

#aloneinacrowd

Flee from Your presence?

#IAMrightheredarling

#donotfear

If I go in the heavens?

#IAMthere

Make my bed in this paining valley?

#wearesharingthecovers

Rise on winged dawn,

renounce myself seaside?

#foreveralwaysyourguide

#righthandholdsfast

I’ve said, “Surely, my anxiety

will hide me and You,

Your smile become

night to me.”

Even while I wonder,

push a distance

between my need,

want, plea remains

#Daddydaddydaddy

#IMNOTREADY

#Whatswrongwithme

#dontleaveme

Night the same as day.

My inmost being,

a little girl secretly sewn

inside Mother’s womb,

the secret dwelling place.

#fearfully

#wonderfullydisabled

#countingonYouDaddy

Wonderful are Your works,

I am beginning to know

my framed need was never hidden

from Your delighted mind,

seeing this day and every other

ordained as I was dusty Earth.

Before my breath.

My blinking eyes.

My blue.

My pink coloring,

thanks to Your spilled love.

#Mysacrifice

#Iwantyouinmylife

#eternally

I cannot these thoughts

dripping irrevocable sincerity

above me.

#grainsofsand

#fallingthrough

#myempty

#spaces

Your love weighs toward me.

#vastsums

#greaterthanmoney

I blink, breath, awake,

I am still with you.

#alive

If only, Daddy,

You would say the wicked,

those haughty with thirst

for blood. How they want

kill, misusing God

with new meaning:

“I take the head, You stay tail.”

Do I not hate them, for they want

Your throne? My hatred a waterfall.

searched by compassionate eye,

knowing how I work my own strength,

until I fall down expectation’s wormholes.

Where my heart calls,

#readyforYourhand

#leadme

#wayeverlasting

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Hashing

  1. Oh my goodness Julia!! This is amazing!!! A masterpiece – truly!! Never read anything like it/ and I love it- fresh. & Holy Spirit breathed!!!! And Psalm 139– I cried- God is good and keeps ministering to me with that verse:)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s