Fall Out

After midnight, my body tingles.
The urge stronger than the tiny light under my door.

You’re alone in the dark.
Indulge your loneliness.
Dip down, get the sensation, firm grasp on love.

You don’t have a boyfriend you can call. Hear him say: I’d kiss you
if I was there, babe. I’d hold you
if I could, babe. Words you’d so easily snug yourself inside-

a wishing well, a dream, an almost
promise for your body, your head.
Your heart can’t take being denied, while your flesh gets fed again.

Desires aren’t a light up,
a smoke puff you let drag
you undesirably, to a grave
you’ve already been saved
from living under.

No, your heart desires
spending nights coming undone
by intimate conversation-
touching on days before,
here and coming.

A pause.
A breathe.
A silence.

I fall asleep,
each defiling thought
growing silent as dreams
take me high, kept under His wing.

Author’s Note: Published in the October issue of The Larcenist. I have extreme jolts of anxiety posting this. Reading back through, I see my heart tangled up in the truth of this. I’m most broken at night. My deepest fears, dreams, questions, doubts come out at night. Not that I’m not broken during the day, I’m just more painfully aware in the dark. I think we all are though. If though this is gritty, hard, and doesn’t feel like I wrote this at all, I can see how Jesus has begun pulling closer, when I start feeling trapped. Like when when I was up last with a billion thoughts wanting sleep, I read this: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. (Isa. 40:11) I felt this overwhelming swell of His love for me. How He tends me to my bedside, when I’m all: “Hey, so I’m about to go down memory lane. I’m about to wonder, wander, and my ‘bah’ will be “why me?”

He whispers His love to me, will never let up until I believe. Even then, I doubt He’ll quit 🙂 He won’t for you either, whatever the issue may be. He’ll speak so tenderly, like a long lost friend you never really forgot.


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