i will fill you with heaven, love

i place my hope
too easily noun’s way –

oh, if i could meet this friend,
see this one. go to texas,
oklahoma, washington,

anywhere with these friends
an unseen face radiates
light i want gaze moments

too long for societal standards.
i know they aren’t god, but I
see something in words printed

i often miss spoken face-to-face.
this week i again confessed,
i don’t want to be famous.

i can barely talk to one person,
let alone fifty. you know, for book
signings. i said, i just want one

paying magazine, showing my
pointer finger to make statement.
a world’s push for independence;

a prideful “i did this” never seemed
becoming to me. what am i gaining
buying every book i swear i’ll read, let

lie months at a time? claustrophobia.
same with trying to make a name
for illusion: worldwide acceptance.

i say i want Jesus, never let quiet
peace waters soak my hellbent heart—
disability doesn’t disqualify wanting/

needing control. i live off a small,
entrusted amount of money—
enough to pay a year & a half

school loans, a phone bill.
never enough to live on,
have my own home,

pay electric, water, internet,
grocery bills. i never dream
getting so far. maybe i don’t

allow myself dream/try reaching,
but i am fed, my head rests on pillow
in a bed, under blankets.

i have enough clothes,
a dresser to put them.
i have television if i wish watch.

a laptop i went end of summer
without. every turn i’ve been
asked, come along? someone

fulfilled every need, want
& comfort for what never
passed through. friend

ship season(s),
recalling every story
stern still/rocked.

a laugh every ache,
sympathy when words
won’t hold place.

if all he asks is thanks
midst of all i don’t know,
then thank you for valley

willowing my posture
humble, constant helplessness
a saviour’s reminder, let go—

for you, he singsongs, i am tenderest

someone’s watching over me,
tears caught inside her eyes
soft voice lifts song

up heaven’s alter—his
ears turn down not slumbering,
hushing all outer, inner earth,

hearing this neediest plea:
come to me, won’t you?
i know the sound of silence

makes world spin madly.
nothing is wrong, nothing
wrong, nothing. stone

rolling around & round
axis anxious without
optional stop. wait,

that is my heart
bearing burdens –
great consoler under tongue.

jesus, before dawn,
are you sure he can’t take
me home now? i asked

mother, knowing “no”
meant not my time
& death fear a twinkle

inside growing blues.
mortal man can bring
reminder i am dust

prince of peace cares
crook of arm. lost sheep
shepherded as child,

fed milk & honey
purest way, Father’s
blessing sung jubilantly –

so you might one day call, Friend?

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mr. moon, i do not
ask bid goodnight.
you lighten my complexion –

see through tendency.
a star hangs delicately,
let me shine shine, please?

my chest is too barren,
such company wavers
breath. you implore

smile quivers steal way,
idol i shall not bow down
before/after today. forsake

me light of day. i know
would be my dismay.
how dear father hung

you among blue fading
black, bruise breathed
absent skin mark—

another promise:
clean, you are,
beloved, let go guilty

conscious. you
are free condemnation –
anger/fear/anxiety i bear

each/everyday
pain i scorned,
bled inhuman loyalty –

don’t forgo peace eternal, hold on

does anyone know anxiety
unfolds as a note your mouth
can’t shut. your lips divide

time talking people,
places, things because
you want to go together with this life.

when you listen quietly-
a sharp shaming voice resounds
betrayal you’ve no doubt committed.

mid conversation with no other plans
you say you don’t mean to say this
or that-your sinning tongue

continuing on in just a little while.
you’re tired daydream faded inside
a snowless December, room with you

opened wide & i am scared poor
in spirit, pure heart fear tearing
everyday mourning clothes.

i’ve proclaimed, I gotta have you,
but my words run fast without
encouraging another soul, not

hearing from you. a thousand years
can pass, my brain repenting sin i
can’t quit apology. my heartbeat

solemn: sorry i am a horrible person-
daughter, friend, sister, niece, granddaughter. i’ve let myself sink

my feet regret deep, hearing
you come earshot before morning
light–a grace songbird cheering on.

depress i on route to light

tell me something–
why is doing easier than believing
the offer of your love for myself?

I’ve found myself Sumatra–
Indonesian isle I’ll never see,
heart bearing witness to the feel.

Child, I can see ya,
your voice low
amidst today’s thought.

I’ll give up.
You’re weightless under
blood shed for sake I may smell

daisies reprieve. This bed
my pew I don’t kneel down
beside, making a cross

learned in childhood. fingertips
touching forehead (Father) left,
right shoulder (Son, Holy Spirit).

No. I lie here waiting for my knight,
who knows defeat mocks beautiful
inside, muffling promise I ask repeated-

will I make it through,
my symmetry no longer
imagined purpled bruise numb/hurt/invisible?

in unseen arms, i awoke

at a white clothed table,
I sit alone. staring ahead,
I do not notice she is close

until her arms envelope
absence I take to be my body.
thank you for being here,

she says. I begin weeping.
I hear myself holding breath.
I dont want to be this weak.

tears absentmindedly soaking
my cheeks, her dress. we are
inside a reception hall—joyous

flashbacks follow beforehand
occasion. this is not a wedding,
funeral, nor graduation. i am

lost in blindness, unclear
speech met by a pillow
strength my head/heart deniy arrest.

i’ll tire isaiah forty times over

knock on my window
ice clink together inside
my water glass—clear
tears I have not shed.

before me, grey dims
day, though night light
shines steady in dark.
i am the frigid bird, standing

on snowy branch’s edge,
awaiting flower bloom. perfume
arousing spirit song, lavender
brushing downy tips. quiet my mouth

whelmed speech, a twist forward
faucet memory. she used to hold
onto the handle in the car, afraid
the world may halve. she

always said I could speak, say
good morning. greet someone
first, not stand observant. i never
told her reaction nerves my system.

if i sat up straight, her pointer
finger moving gently heavenward
instead of hunchbacked, bringing
food to my mouth, would empty

return full a smile alighting
my heart bypassing my lips?
would my going south cause
her unseen whisper constant closure?

all is well, you’ll see

a daydream in my dear’s mind

I became. out of dust he formed

my frame, knit me secretly

where human eyes could not

greet me. in my mother’s womb

I stayed til he said: come child,

winter has passed on coldest

apologies, plea for one more

day. in just a little you will cry.

your body will heave why

& mother will whisper,

shh, it’s okay. he watched

me stumble over this question,

building a friendship with fear’s

false security. he watches me

now tension downing

my brow—lights above head

flickers as the vigil I’m holding

inside my disheartened soul.

I sing, soft & low, rising slow

words I trouble believing.

I will not disappoint you, my magnolia

Don’t forget his love–

O soul, I hear you

whimpering. What

if I am dust already

crushed by every no?

How much longer will

my hopes be dashed,

sulky with truth under tongue?

My only hope I’ve got is you, Jesus.

Prince of peace, said to give the

weary strength, down in this valley.

I can no longer dream a fantasy

where I am independent your

marvelous light. Please, take

my hand, nothing more I have, let me

hold an unwavering anchor of hope;

my night song has filled, dulled

my blues, where I’ve heard as sure

as the sun, I must look up expecting

I can’t outrun your love. You will sing

me sweetest songs of deliverance

out of fear, anxiety, sadness, loss

because you are my portion & my

strength forever. My friend,

comforter, who swears he will take

me, broken, proclaiming this crippled

girl, beautiful. Show me how love

broke through shame, how I am

always with you, tightly held.

May the words I speak now,

come before you, Lord.

Hear my cry, let me stand

on your promises true,

love never fails.

You will come through,

some way, some how,

my heart will rejoice now

inside the weighty sorrow.

You are my rock of habituation

I shall place my hope, knowing

Yahweh’s whispers hold still:

My child, I am with you now.