Love Me In My Mourning Undress

I want to lay back,

lift my eyes ceiling high.

I’ll bore my blues inside

whitespace—You deserve

respect, but I shouldn’t look

upon forgiveness I fail.

I’ve spent nights a child,

knowing something,

someone watches me

unravel a thread of control.

afraid letting go will betray

another’s trust—my own.

Voices in the back of my mind

echo proudness at my decision—

Kennesaw! January 7th. Smile

came against my mouth, window

reflecting state of heart. Liar,

I can hear disappointment

because my preparations

show less than admirable.

I know my first thoughts lean

heavily into someone’s direction,

reaction when I don’t come through.

I dare not ask thought divine.

What if you gave me what I what?

(sleep.)

What if not?

(I’m wasting days)

I can’t think straight,

able yet to write my depravity

I continuously ache apology.

I’m sorry I’m a failure, Julia.

I’m sorry I’ve cared less

for you, every mistake

calling me out until that theif

shouts, go hide, unworthy.

I tell you not to touch me,

gentleness shouldn’t your child

receive when she doesn’t know

quivers when you cry peace.

You come closer, I tell you

I have something to do.

A breath whisper.

Rest.

I want to give myself out,

flame blown out, companion

darkness snarling, good to see

you again, old chum!

Jesus, how I yearn softest

hand under my wearied head,

cradle me in compassion

I won’t try worrying away.

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2 thoughts on “Love Me In My Mourning Undress

  1. Awh sweet one I love this! I wish I could somehow convince you and you would know it deep down in your know we how truly beautiful, wonderful and special you are! Thank you from my momma heart to your baby girl heart my baby girl and yours are hanging out and I love it! I love you precious one! 😄💗💜

    • I love you, Michelle ❤ I think God's going to have to convince me, and when my heart won't react in anger. I just don't know how to explain it, but God knows. I love that you and Alex are here though, even if far away. You both are beautiful in uniquely special ways. 🙂

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