Author’s Note: No matter how loud I try to raise my voice or the volume, a whisper is all I hear. Also, I love how I kept trying to read this perfectly the whatever number of times I recorded, but apparently God’s trying to show me I’m allowed to hurt. Even though I’d rather hide from it, because I don’t want to be this child randomly crying, angry, laughing when my heart is lead within me. Snapping at people I love isn’t me. I know they understand, but it’s hard to admit to myself, I can’t get over this in the amount of time someone drops something and picks it back up. Like a spoon. Paper. Pens & pencils.
Grief takes time. I don’t think the loss truly vanishes either. Three things I’ve learned since my grandma’s passed: 1.) I think I’m dreaming. 2.) I’m terrified of death. Going to sleep at night reminds me when I was young, and sleep toward the wall, because I feel someone watching me. And feeling if I turn around, a loud voice will boom and a finger will point:YOU ARE WRONG! 3.) I’m afraid I’m running out of time, pressure to DO something is heavy upon me all the time. I’m not going back to school this semester (even though I feel extreme need to please people’s desire for me to take online classes.) I know my heart won’t be there.
This is hard, unraveling to let God love me. Even though I lied about school, He knew the shame feeling I let down people , Him, myself. Again, again, again. My grandma saw this many times in the kitchen, the living room, watching me spill fear after fear, burdens I took upon myself, like it’s my responsibility. This is why she always said I am too hard on myself. When I feel others are pushing, I hear it in my head as I need to do it RIGHT NOW AND PERFECTLY. I know I take this and hold myself to impossible standard. I hate myself when I don’t reach it. Everything in my life feels like that. Except poetry. (okay, i fight between being approved by what i want, whoever reads my blog, and God. And most of the time, I bur all of them.
A few days ago, God this out to me: No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by the Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people. (Romans 2:29) What does this have to do with me? I seek praise from people by following their “law”God doesn’t push. like I push myself or I feel others push me. I know the intentions are good, but I’ve realized praise from people is short-lived, and makes me starved, Then. I crawl back to God like a child., why don’t you love me? When I know He’s standing there, waiting for me to say, I need you.
Well, here I am, God. I need you.
I need your love to comfort, soothe, soak my heart.
Hep me believe you.
*until I am alive with you