where i met same blue

come thou fount—
tear shed, down

soaking open palm.

nearer, still
nearer nail
holing wrist skin.

i am bleeding
peace like a river,
well eyes a memory

vague to mind-
i saw the heart
of God, heavy

love water renewed
every inward gaze
i came upon reflection.

Inspired by this article. It’s amazing to me how I read this months ago and I felt sad. Read today and teared at the end. I don’t remember my grandma  wiping tears, but I remember the tissues, the way she looked at me like she knew I didn’t want answers, I wanted someone to sit/stand with me. Even with distance between us. There was something whenever I looked in her eyes. Pain, So much. Sadness. But there was flickers of joy, Jesus, through them all, that would make my sobs lessen.

And sometimes made me cry more, because i never thought she understood. I think she did. I think she knew our sensitivity was the same. I don’t think she liked being so sensitive, as I don’t. But I’ll never forget how I caught her wiping her eyes when Josh Groban sang You Raise Me Up on TV one Christmas, or how her face changed to fear when someone was upset. (so me. all the way.) I don’t know why God os bringing all this to me. Because it’s making me want to ball my eyes out. Maybe it’s to show me it’s okay to wear my heart on my sleeve. I watched my grandma do it, especially the crying. And I don’t see a lot of people do that  She let it out when she’d rather no one see. (also, me.) I think she also tried to hide it when it was impossible.

I keep thinking how it’s February. How part of me is completely in lalaland. Or the dark. And the part is a complete unraveling , thankful mess for my mom, her friend, Angi, and the friends checking on me, making me laugh, listening, sharing their life as I share this fickle grief. I want to give hugs forever, okay? And God, thank you, for your constant, unwavering love in my hot mess. I can’t wait to see what’s on the other side of this ache. So, you free for Valentines Day? (I’m pretty sure that’s everyday for you..) Please don’t stop overwhelming me.

have no clue where I was going with this..


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