when i’m mess, heart in mouth

I spilled my heart last night. I woke up today, God, *rant of epic proportions* Mostly, why this boy let me be a complete mess: telling him i don’t know how to be friends with a guy. I don’t want to get hurt, as my previous relationship of “first love.” I’ve never been just friends with a guy.

I’ve always wanted a boyfriend. (I love publicly admitting this..) I know that now, with both these boys I’ve had relationships with. Cayne (who I talked to last night) has known me since elementary school. Our relationship was hand holding, sitting together, and camp. And we talked on the phone a few times during the school week. We both have Cerebral Palsy and this camp was for anyone with disabilities..Everyone knew about us at this camp and would tease us and called us cute. Our first dance, we swung hands. I don’t know why, but I remember he wore a baseball like uniform  and I had a french. His smile was beautiful. Still is.

Fast forward to Michael (“first love”) who met me in high school and dated 4 years long distance. We met in a chat room the school had and were dating a week after. 30 minute phone conversations turned text messages of hopes, dreams, wishes, and 2 times a year seeing  And that turned to nothing, but a crushing of my soul. This poem explains that.

I don’t remember when Cayne and I got together. I broke his heart. I remember him crying. Everything faded away and I moved onto Michael, who I broke up with once (because I couldn’t let go the first time). And he did the second time. Both over the phone. Both leaving me completely void. It was Taylor Swift for weeks & sobbing to my mom about how stupid I was. When actually God saved me. My purity. (Even though when I think of when I let him touch me other than hands, it was impure.) But God is faithful i rescuing his beloved.

After Michael broke up with me, I couldn’t understand why I was comfortable trying to keep him around. When he never saw beyond an end. When we weren’t friends in the beginning, Cayne and I weren’t either, We knew little things about each other, but not what you learn years of being friends before anything else. And remembering how I hurt him, I don’t deserve to be his friend. Or why he’d want to be my friend. But, last night was a flood of forgiveness.

From God.  Staring into his face and hearing him say: You are forgiven. Stop trying to process this, please. Of course I still want to be friends with you. And I blink back. This shouldn’t be. But he doesn’t leave. And all I want to do is cry.

I don’t want to post this. I’m seriously confused. And everything in my life emotion-wise is way too much. But maybe this will help someone else. Prayers would be appreciated. Maybe for rest and to stop thinking for awhile… and about this. And life ub general.

_________________________________________

two a.m.
heart falls
off my sleeve—

we never had
the chance
to be fronds.

we branded
ourselves boyfriend/
girlfriend, without clue

what commitment entails.
he says whenever he was
around me, he felt comfortable.

i say i freak out talking to guys—
a boy broke my heart because
my appearance was better

than myself as a whole.
“wow! i’m guessing you
don’t talk to him anymore.”

“no. he’s married & has
a child.” “well good for him,
i guess.” “i don’t know

why i told you all that.”
“it’s funny how you said
i never tried get anything

from you. because i didn’t.
i simply enjoyed your company..”
“i’m not used to that. blah blah.

i laid under these wiite blankets”
God, i let my guard down. you
kept breathing out my guilt,

even as i spoke breaks.
i dont know why you keep
bringing me back innocence.

why i overthink, overanalyze—
watch me cry, why forgive me
when i’ve spent this morning

convinced i’m dreamt. this isn’t a dream, God—
a wonder at how a childhood boyfriend
dares me believe friendship could be-

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3 thoughts on “when i’m mess, heart in mouth

  1. Oh i love everything about this- explanation and poem– the human heart inside of senstive souls makes for a life of trying to understand the unknowable–i know because i am you, in all those words:) and have had far more complicated heart situations than i ever asked for. But you are right to pour it out to the Lover of our Souls and Hearts sister!! He loves every word becauae we are daring to love Him, in spite of sll of the heartbreak and fairytaling we’ve endured!! Love you, llove your story and I love that you were brave and shared, because I know there are far more stories of love messy thAn love done well:)

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