remembering i’m dust, tendered

a signal to what
matters—water
spilling out cup

eyes a drink
i give you, take
this. we share

salt brought forward,
instead of thrown over
good luck shoulders.

i don’t know how
you bear my gasps,
my thoughtless mind.

how dare you
answer my prayers
swiftly with not one—

two nos. in two days.
don’t you know i am
barren without expectant

child? ask & it shall be
given. knock, the door
will be opened. seek,

find. i wanted answer,
you held me weeping.
my sons knocked open

open your hushing.
i’m here. you’re alright.
this doesn’t define

your worth. you matter,
more so than sparrows
fall. i quiet moment until

mistruth finds your throne;
i don’t believe you can love
me without work (proof).

i cry deaden sorries
long since forgot,
wrapped in hope

you wont let me
give up, jesus,
turn my mourning

start back to joyful
laughter heart—
your namesake.

_________________________

inspired by this piece on why we cry. I’ve done enough of that yesterday and today. But even though I hate it, I think it’s something deeper than magazines telling me no. It’s how quickly Jesus wraps me up/ How he sits beside me with my desperate please love me I don’t know how to rest with doing nothing. My soul is shh. But my body is work work work. You have to write a poem a day, Julia. You can’t do nothing, read a book. You want to get somewhere in life? Work. Blogging and submitting poetry has become a job to me. Not posting once a day feels off. It’s hard to not write. I do it when I don’t want to, so fulfill my expectation. Somedays I’m fin, but I’m always hoping I can write something to share. I know everyone will live if I don’t post. For awhile. But I can’t stop writing. I know God is bringing healing through it to me and others. But I seriously miss reading. I can’t focus on a book or find enjoyment. I get bored after a few pages. Or tired.

I think my tears have been showing me I’m trying too hard to produce. It’s been heavy on me for awhile. I bet that’s why I keep listening to Hilary Duff and watching Veggietales. Why my phone stopped working for almost a week.

I want to take the longest break with Jesus, rest, but don’t know how. I want to take a break from my depth. I want to receive without feeling guilt not giving back. I meant to make this short and look how that turned out..

I don’t want to lose my love of writing.

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One thought on “remembering i’m dust, tendered

  1. Sweet one how you take a break is you simple take one! Take it from someone who doesn’t know how to take a break. Eventually you WILL be forced to if you don’t! Even if it is only a short while it is so worth it to rest.

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