i dream a friend walks
through my front door.
i laugh about how narnia
will be unplayable without
a dvd player—voices grow
& i am spinning out of control,
left left, left, counterclockwise.
i try grasping, holding still,
but i am falling to the floor.
you appear before my eyes,
friend & living room gone. your eyes
seem wet staring up cloud parting
light. i can’t hold myself still in this
moment—fear/awe captives pulling
at my frailty. you don’t speak—rebuke
absent strength keeping my gaze
marveling your contented smile
before i fade back to my body.
this dream was weird because i felt awake for the entire thing. & i could feel my body falling, trying to pull away from Jesus, but i felt a touch keeping me there though i never saw his hands. and he looked like he was standing in a field distances away from all these trees. he looked like he was crying joy. his smile made me want to stay a little while longer, but was scared i died, or was. i woke up, & heard a whisper, “with whom i am well-pleased” then after texting Megan, i looked it up: “And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”” I read more about the Spirit of God defended on Jesus after he came up from being baptized. I didn’t see the dove (which makes sense being the Spirit), just light & his gaze longing. his eyes are blue.
i then sat up, drinking & holding a water bottle, thinking about it while playing another round of Draw Something before falling asleep. i also ate a shrimp egg roll thursday and woke up yesterday in pain and randomly thinking some noises were too loud/silence was suffocating. still felling hot or cold and loopy. and i didn’t really sleep until 2 after waking from this deam.
i had to write this down. even though everything was blurry. i can’t believe i remember it. all i keep thinking is, how can you be well-pleased with me? when God looks at me, he sees Jesus..and he loves me just because.
& then i wake up and read grace is God going first, Jesus dying for me while i was still a sinner.
& i’m still mystified.