& then you’ll leave me in the dark, too

i told a friend i wanted
divulgence into his
grief—a bystander
whose eyes take
startling break in
black & whitte ink.
faraway voice says
fear, laziness & sus-
pense take hold once
beloved passes on. why shouldn’t
grandma ache leaving all
she loved here? she is in
the cloud of witnesses &
i keep hearing her sing
“happy birthday to you”
inside my head, as if she’s
on the other side of a phone.
long distance without same
rime frame i earth bound
must contend for now.
back of my head woozily
trying to fight sleep,
gasping at thought
you could take me
home. i mean, you
took me to field green,
where you looked up
smiling & i wondered
if i did something wrong.
last night, i thought: you
wouldn’t make me only
to take me by death. i
keep hearing i’’m not
dying—this panic left
over i’ve held in close
proximity, before i’d
speak plaintive to you,
highest priest, who
knows i think of you
fallen, crying a plea
my cowering be still—

Inspired by C.S, Lewis’ A Grief Observed. I picked it up yesterday and almost half way through. Even though I’ve never been married and my grief losing my grandma is different than C.S losing his wife, the whole fear and questions/points he raises, like the person passed/God is unimaginable. how do you know the person doesn’t have anguish in the separation, grandma is memories i can recall, not tangible touch anymore. One point he made that has really stuck me: if i cared about the world’s sorrow, i wouldn’t be so overwhelmed by my own. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had immediate sadness when others hurt. And  I’m pretty sure I can’t fake it, since I can’t act like a stone., only for a time before i explode.

It’s made me wonder if we all take being overwhelmed by missing someone as shameful. like we should be okay. right now, there’s a baby bird outside,who keeps crying. Probably for food, or their mom, or both.I heard him last nigh & i wanted to find him & give him a piece of bread. i felt heavy behind my eyes, i wanted to cry. And I thought: this is how you feel about all my fear, longing, pain, isn’t it, God?” I watched the sun hide behind the tree & wondered if his heart broke because my heart is still numb. to anything other than fear.

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