i am more mystery
to myself than you—
eyes wide open,
watching my slipping
tongue making out words
i can’t try not analyzing
you will raise me out
fine facial expression
& denial inside anxiety
heart. you know how it
is between us-gentle offerings
of love, i coil fearful in what i saw
you stand seconds (minutes)
in front of trembling, fighting
stay in dark. you are crying
happily without noise, heavenward
at a distance i was held, heartbroken.
i could not stay, fearing voice angered,
harsh shame against my eardrum.
this you knew, letting me go
back bedroom dark. “with whom
i am well-pleased “ a hushing confused
mind. i have heard the sudden gasp
while i’m trying slumber is leftover
terror from her snowless depart
more than mid december. i’m
tired asking nonsensical: are
you going to take me now?
now? and now? then i am
this is what has happened since the having the dream. i think may be overly tired. i’m hungry. i’m overly tired because i can’t really sleep well anymore. i am afraid to get alone with Jesus because I don’t want to cry. at his silence at my feeling shame. at thinking i should be over this. i shouldn’t be so afraid to live. i thought i was afraid of death before, bit this is terrifying to listen to the quiet at night, begging God, please not yet. i’m not ready yet. i just want a day (okay maybe 2-3) with a friend where we can eat huge things of ice cream and talk about God, or heaven or sit quietly with him together. because u’m distracted with in my mind, and apps and 5 bible plans. and those plans i read in what feels like seconds. and then i hunger. and then i want to call my grandma and talk about this dream & ask if it’s a reassurance. tell her how he let me leave his side because he knows i’m still afraid.
but the silence wouldn’t be because she’s listening, but because she wouldn’t be on the other line. now, i’m going to go either finish A Grief Observed (because thats all i can keep my focus on since Saturday, or watch Gilmore Girls & restrain myself from eating these peppermint oreos.