tears fall, soaking downturned weakness

2 am found me
staring up night
lighted ceiling—
shadows shift
all around. my
head is three times
bigger from the light
of my phone. i cringe,
thinking an angel (or
demon) tiptoed at the
foot of my bed. my eyes
close seconds before i see
her head blurry inside
the coffin—the last place
i will remember her lay.
i gasp in fear, opening
to the nightlight room.
i tell you i am too jumpy,
deciding to bury my face
in new flower printed pillowcases.
fire & blood greet me—i hear screams
in my head, turning on my back &
see her face again: blurry
& bloody. i watch the face morph
into a blurred man—he is
sneering, laughing at how easily
i am frightened. & i softy whimper
for you, the holy one, who provides
escape, for me, deflated by darkness
i’m too blinded by. jesus, i couldn’t
scream your name, whispering
the sung suggestion in my ears—
help me let her go. & then the words
sound her’s: you can’t let me go—

The closer I move toward Jesus, the more it feels all my fears I’ve had as a young girl, have trapped me almost in box. I know Jesus fights all the fear of the dark/death (and this he took for me)/unknown/abandonment for me and the devil can’t touch me, being his child, but I sincerely hate the devil, how he makes me cry. he also makes me se how i need Jesus. How much his prayer, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” has to become what i say over myself before I sleep, or may not get any ever again. And the breakdown I had last night, showed me once again, how easily I get entangled in dark. How I think dark means Jesus is angry and at any moment he could take me. But His Word says, the dark is light to him and he’s slow to anger. And he is like a shepherd, hugging his lambs close to his heart. And he hears the cries of those who call on him. And he fights for me, i need only be still. and he doesn’t abandon/forsake his child.

And he is a shield & lifter of my head. And he has plans to prosper me & not to harm me. See, he makes all these promises to me. & the devil tries to get me to focus on how Jesus couldn’t possibly come through. I’ve been in the dark too long with this void he couldn’t possibly fill. Well, Devil, he also says that when his word goes out, it doesn’t come back void.

And I’d rather wait with this tiny seed of faith, than walk by my sight, which has failed me time & time again.

So, you can go away.

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2 thoughts on “tears fall, soaking downturned weakness

  1. There are so many promises here. Keep clinging to them. You can text me any time, and if I’m awake (like I was last night), I’ll call, and we can talk it through and pray together. That’s another part of allergy season; I don’t seem to get much sleep. Not as bad as nightmares, but that means I’m awake if you need me.

    It’s good that you know that it’s the Devil speaking to you and trying to get you down. It’s good that you know how to stop it. Just keep relying on God’s strength, and this time will be over soon enough.

  2. ahhh…I pray that the promises that you are holding to will become as bright and clear and hopefilled and real as the images you are fighting…He most certainly does hold you close as you sleep….Night struggles are so so hard…I’m glad you have this outlet, to at least set it all out in words. I’ve spent many a night in my life vivadly seeing and feeling very much like you describe. sleep is never perfect unfortunaetly but is the perfect place for our heart and mind and spirit to all work together in seemingly nonscencical ways the things we are trying so hard to understand!!! I pray that He will sing over you tonight as you sleep, His presence and light and song being what will soak into you, like sunshine…lots of love!!

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