2 am found me
staring up night
all around. my
head is three times
bigger from the light
of my phone. i cringe,
thinking an angel (or
demon) tiptoed at the
foot of my bed. my eyes
close seconds before i see
her head blurry inside
the coffin—the last place
i will remember her lay.
i gasp in fear, opening
to the nightlight room.
i tell you i am too jumpy,
deciding to bury my face
in new flower printed pillowcases.
fire & blood greet me—i hear screams
in my head, turning on my back &
see her face again: blurry
& bloody. i watch the face morph
into a blurred man—he is
sneering, laughing at how easily
i am frightened. & i softy whimper
for you, the holy one, who provides
escape, for me, deflated by darkness
i’m too blinded by. jesus, i couldn’t
scream your name, whispering
the sung suggestion in my ears—
help me let her go. & then the words
sound her’s: you can’t let me go—
The closer I move toward Jesus, the more it feels all my fears I’ve had as a young girl, have trapped me almost in box. I know Jesus fights all the fear of the dark/death (and this he took for me)/unknown/abandonment for me and the devil can’t touch me, being his child, but I sincerely hate the devil, how he makes me cry. he also makes me se how i need Jesus. How much his prayer, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” has to become what i say over myself before I sleep, or may not get any ever again. And the breakdown I had last night, showed me once again, how easily I get entangled in dark. How I think dark means Jesus is angry and at any moment he could take me. But His Word says, the dark is light to him and he’s slow to anger. And he is like a shepherd, hugging his lambs close to his heart. And he hears the cries of those who call on him. And he fights for me, i need only be still. and he doesn’t abandon/forsake his child.
And he is a shield & lifter of my head. And he has plans to prosper me & not to harm me. See, he makes all these promises to me. & the devil tries to get me to focus on how Jesus couldn’t possibly come through. I’ve been in the dark too long with this void he couldn’t possibly fill. Well, Devil, he also says that when his word goes out, it doesn’t come back void.
And I’d rather wait with this tiny seed of faith, than walk by my sight, which has failed me time & time again.
So, you can go away.