under the covers,
i cry apology. yes,
it’s true, i don’t trust
in you. i am she with
the littlest faith possible.
i close my eyes to try &
sleep, but you wake me.
& the night is loud, so loud,
a mourning loud—you are
the only God there is.
FMF prompt: good. i think last night, i fell asleep before 2. maybe. i kept listening to how silent the world can get & then asking Jesus for help, because without the music. But in my ears, every fear comes back. the fear of death. the fear of the dark. then i tell him if I don’t get sleep, i’m going to be loopy. and then: you don’t change like shifting shadows. this is all light to you.
and then he says: He’s the only God. Personal God. He doesn’t leave those who seek him, not even for a minute. Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
and then I feel these chills. And jump when I feel he (though it made me think of my grandma) sat down by my feet. And I wake up and think: Where are you?
Here I am. Don’t be afraid. And then I feel like he’s standing over me and I turn around and see my pillow. I don’t even remember falling asleep. But today’s the day, he takes my shame and fear and hopelessness and anger and exhaustion and loneliness and sorrow and grief and losses. Today, he’s nailed to the cross. And I could beg, plead, tell him: please don’t go. Don’t leave me. Let me go.
But he knows my inmost being. knows I’m terrified of the light leaving my eyes. He knows betrayal should be my middle name.
But he only looks into my tearing eyes, I love you too much to leave you ashamed. Take my peace & don’t be afraid.
And because Jesus knows me so well, he lead me to a song that is spot on with how the last two nights have felt.
& I’m still.