my head copies

i don’t know
how to explain
blank, boring
stares out clear
glass window. the
way i care less for pizza
being delivered midst
overcast above me;
the anger snapped
toward ears unintentional
for an oreo coffee tasting
good, but “just there.” i lit
up, says my mother, upon
receiving this gift—but this
inkling of being canceled out,
has tears spilling, begging
God: come wrap me up,
hug me, hold me—touch
my granite sunken in loss

Today, I went to the doctor about my sleeplessness & depression. Mentioning my grandma brought tears and a downturned lip. I’m so tired and sad and i think grief counseling maybe something i need, i don’t want to talk about it to someone I don’t know. Though, I do it here. I feel alone and the more people talk to me, the more i find myself spurting tears to Jesus. I am not me, i feel angry and too many things Jesus sees without me saying. I have to take medicine for sleep and depression (that in two weeks). I hate that I need something to make “normal” or “level”

I hate admitting I need so much help. I need Jesus, so much, this emptiness can only be filled by him.

no matter how misunderstood, lonely i feel, he’s not abandoning her. he’s fighting for me.

He will bring healing to my broken heart. He will bind him.

I have to let him help me, despite me not wanting it.

I know (and kind of want) the sadness, because I know it better than fleeting smiles.

I want the mystery of God’s love for me. I’m a little (or a lot blind) to it.

Rise up & meet me God. Please.


One thought on “my head copies

  1. yes, seeking help is somehow the worst thing in the entire world for those of us who need to from time to time…i like to think, apparently, that I can function perfectly perfect without the rest of the world, thank you very much. so so not true though, and the times I’ve waited too too long to seek and find help have meant twice the road back to me….be so proud of yourself, like you would of any friend of yours, there is no shame in help for our weary broken bodies and minds, and know that He has NO condemnation for you, and has complete grace for you, for all of us, when we suffer…I know He loves that you come to Him with whatever, whenever…you are a gift=)!!

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