tomorrow, i will hear
their words: “happy birthday!”
expressed according to relationship:
mother, mother’s friend, sister, brother,
uncles, aunts, grandpa, but i wonder
if i’ll be happy without the false smile
i’ve been wearing, holding me up
FMF prompt: tomorrow. i swear i put “friends” in the poem, but my ability to focus is similar to reaching for my cane in the dark. tomorrow, i turn 25. i still don’t know how to feel about this. in my year of being 24, i think i’ve had more lows than highs. maybe that’s okay. even though i don’t enjoy the lows, especially since last week, i’d like to believe God is using these times of grief and as Sara Groves says in her song, Mystery, “groping in the darkness, hoping in the darkness I will run into you again/” That’s all i’ve been doing for weeks. Groping for a more solid touch of God. i kind of feel like the woman who bled for 12 years. Except I think “the woman who is brought to tears” would adequately describe me. More than ever, I see how deeply I ache for people, that it makes my pain seem insignificant. sure, i want God to heal all of these people in my life. i also want him to heal me. do i believe he can? heal everyone? yes. me? that depends on the day, but somewhere in my soul, i’m still holding onto the longing he’ll come through. he’ll break through the dark and the weeping won’t be empty, but full of love. or mayb not a sound will be made..
while half asleep, I had this thought yesterday: you handle everything & let me be amazed. as in, handle the depression, the insomnia, & let me be amazed at how your love heals all things.
not quite sure my thoughts stayed on the track, but God gets the gist.