century of “i’m okay.”

tomorrow, i will hear
their words: “happy birthday!”
expressed according to relationship:
mother, mother’s friend, sister, brother,
uncles, aunts, grandpa, but i wonder
if i’ll be happy without the false smile
i’ve been wearing, holding me up

FMF prompt: tomorrow. i swear i put “friends” in the poem, but my ability to focus is similar to reaching for my cane in the dark. tomorrow, i turn 25. i still don’t know how to feel about this. in my year of being 24, i think i’ve had more lows than highs. maybe that’s okay. even though i don’t enjoy the lows, especially since last week, i’d like to believe God is using these times of grief and as Sara Groves says in her song, Mystery, “groping in the darkness, hoping in the darkness I will run into you again/” That’s all i’ve been doing for weeks. Groping for a more solid  touch of God. i kind of feel like the woman who bled for 12 years. Except I think “the woman who is brought to tears” would adequately describe me. More than ever, I see how deeply I ache for people, that it makes my pain seem insignificant. sure, i want God to heal all of these people in my life. i also want him to heal me. do i believe he can? heal everyone? yes. me? that depends on the day, but somewhere in my soul, i’m still holding onto the longing he’ll come through. he’ll break through the dark and the weeping won’t be empty, but full of love.  or mayb not a sound will be made..

while half asleep, I had this thought yesterday: you handle everything & let me be amazed. as in, handle the depression, the insomnia, & let me be amazed at how your love heals all things.

not quite sure my thoughts stayed on the track, but God gets the gist.


2 thoughts on “century of “i’m okay.”

  1. “you handle everything and let me be amazed.” Yes. This is so solid- you can hold onto that for all you are worth! Visiting you from Five-Minute Friday and feeling so blessed to have come here to read your words. I’ll be praying for you and for your pain and your tears. For tomorrow to bring relief or at least enough hope to keep you going. I, too, have felt like that woman, suffering for so long. so- squeezing your hand across the distance and letting you know you are LOVED.

  2. I think you are a brave young woman. I like your openness and I think it is good to be transparent before the Lord. You are a precious daughter of God. When you pour out your heart before Him and man, He hears you. He is so close to you.

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