pale churns embarrassed 

today, i awake a quarter
century older. without
silver lining pockets
i pretend are sewn
above the owl heads 
always staring back.
“who? who?” they ask,
eyes wondering up at me.
who am i? a girl who thinks 
too much, bargains, no, pleads
“please, have mercy. do this for me, 
i’ll do what you say. i know how weak;
needy i am. i can’t bear the shame which will come upon me. i will be strawberry, raspberry red in my cheeks. they will know, see flushed
inadequacy–“who, who?” the owls repeat. “all who love me in this state,” i think quietly, “but especially God, who brings me to my need in this disabled body.”

today, i’m 25 and as if I expected (because i did/do) wish to be a totally 
changed girl, it didn’t happen. i’ve worried about two things i’m sure “normal” people don’t give a second thought. 

My overthinking brain will most likely take years to hush, but at least my heart is quiet.

Quiet enough to expect God’s unfailing kindness towards me.

2 thoughts on “pale churns embarrassed 

  1. If you were to be a “changed girl” then I’m under the thinking that the world would miss out on something really beautiful. You’re amazing as you are, Julia.

    This piece is wonderful, as are you. I hope your birthday was as lovely as you deserved it to be. ❤

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