reassure me, you have not gone

Today when I was at the doctor’s, she said: “How is your sadness?” and before I could take one of those deep breath in, I said, “Still right there.” When I came home and read this verse at the end of someone’s blog, I knew I needed to commit the words to memory. Days have passed where I now think my body is in the state of protection. I’ve been telling people I don’t feel with my heart. I mean, I know I’m alive, but it’s the lack emotion that’s getting me. Like getting a handmade poem from my dear friend, Gwen, who’s currently in France. & getting upset, like almost anger/empty crying  over this gift not being enough. or Megan leaving my party last Sunday and feeling like i wanted to cry, but emptiness came instead.

I know grief can’t be filled by friends, family, only God. I didn’t know how this deep this void was until I felt the ache behind my eyes, but it feels too much, unready to release now. I felt waves of sadness during this drawing. I found myself staring out the window, watching the leaves dance with the wind, felt the tears collect, and thought: God, I need you.

& I heard him say, I know. into my ears filled with music.It wasn’t like: oh, duh, Julia. I’ve been waiting for you to say it.”

More: Be still & know I am (your) God..

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