why am i still terrified of you

over birds & wind
i sob. i am small
in this bed, a curled
up child, crying for
another way. i don’t
know what to do,
where to go—
“i don’t trust you.
i hate you, Jesus,
my mind screams
through breaths.
the one he loves
can’t handle herself.
she can’t look people
directly in the eye,
open up in a decent
time (7 months is a
bit of a stretch). she
is apt to run & hide—
grace, please don’t
come close enough
for gaze in consuming
eyes. please. i’d rather
be alone than burned
alive in mystery i want
answered now—

i think i’m hate that i want to draw forever and be wayward, then follow Jesus into the unknown. i’m terrified of everything, more myself. i don’t want to go to school. i don’t want to write. i want to draw, but really, i am afraid of God’s best for my life. i want to bolt and run as far as possible from the answer if it’s not what i want. i know God has the best plans for my life, but somewhere inside, i feel like they are going to harm me. I’m harming myself by letting anxiety overrule me.

All I know is I’m comfortable with being afraid. This is bad. Very, very bad

I literally need God to walk me into whatever way he has for me.

Even if that means I’m going to cry a lot. Because I will.

So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

oh God, i can’t do this alone. Help, help, help.

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