how to listen

God, what i know is
rebellion. i turn sideways
when others extend answer
for what my heart has become
rock over—poetry or pastel?
one has said, both. more work,
but you don’t have to chose.
two more, writing. pastel,
says another two. & i sit
waiting for you to part
the clouds, go this way,
My child.—when in still
of night/early morning,
“i want you to write for me,”
& my immediate response:
no.

not only has God told me to go back to school, He still wants me to pursue writing. God has bringing something to me that has been in my life forever. I never knew it though. I struggle hardcore with pride. I didn’t realize how much until I found myself crying two different times this weekend. Both occasions making me realize how comfortable I am with being afraid.

Fear is stable to me. Asking for help is something I HATE doing. Which is weird because, I am disabled and asking my mom is not hard. (also, makes sense because she’s my parent..), but asking people i don’t know or better yet, well enough, & i freak out.

something else i’m learning: God’s counsel comes through other people, not only His Word or His still small voice.

I have to be willing to listen. Even if it’s really hard…

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