maybe that’s a sign it’s untrue

I try hard to please,

get right the words
that will put a smile 
upon your face–God,

I am tired in this belief 

disappointment marks

your brow. I’ve thought 

one of these days you may

decide today’s the day a fireball

shall come heavy on my head —

I will burn away & no one will know.

so, when I stay up with the tears 

caught in my throat, mayb

fmf prompt: try. Also inspired by this blog post.

I AM making a way

I found myself crying
before an empty table–
strawberries to my left.

I couldn’t help thinking
maybe you’re sitting
beside my right, watching tears slide

down my cheeks to lips.
too salty I’ve become –
weighted by the reality

only you can be true.
why are you laughing
worry? I am truth: you

want your way now,
but your repentance
is dear to me; come

near to me! near to me,
you say. & so I sit, watching
you run away with your thoughts,

instead of listening to me-

because there is no law to love

i dream i awake
to darkest room—
i squint for light,

in fear i am alone.
breath won’t come
easy in my lungs—

a distant white
flashes close,
walking edge

of my bedside.
& then gone.
i thought for sure

your presence,
or this angel
would stay a little

longer, but i awake
to the setting sun
only to sleep until

12 am, where
want of his kiss
comes heavy as

secondhand smoke
breathed in into the lung.
i laid, letting myself tell you,

God, i can do this. i am
fine. i am not going to—
but in my mind, i am

begging him, kiss
me again. it is raining
& i want him to pull over

& my hand is reaching
down for the apple, hold
my breath, hear you whisper

stop. i ignore you until
i swallow & ask forgiveness
again, without ounce of guilt
til i’m crying over a remembrance
of us in a field, apprehensive of your
laughing. in love with me after i betrayed

you—i hate fleshy indulgence i die to,
finding myself in a casketed self-hatred
blinding me to love you gave, give

without consent.

that’s what you were saying

Jesus doesn’t show himself laughing to many,

she told me over the phone
on my 24th birthday.

he is reassuring you,

she continued through
questioning silence

I gave. I sat in room

unfamiliar, wide with 
loneliness. how could

you laugh, Lord, when

I spent so many days 
staring at your sympathy 

portrayed in inspired artwork?

your hand was pressed to your
heart–I am grieved for you,

my child. I swore fear caught 

my breath every time I dared 
stare a little than I wanted.

you were the sad God & I, 

the girl grasping happiness
at dead ends. the boy

I begged stay around,

please, please, I bought 
you a phone card. Promise

you’ll call tomorrow. Or performance 

I burrowed my heart below, so no
one knew my creviced heart.

I believed you always saddened,

laughter furthest from lips divine.
I sin & repent, your smile shining 

same. Your arms open same

distance from my troubled brow.
don’t you want to dance,

sway back & forth in celebration 

undeserved? don’t you want
laughter cracking open 

your tight lipped demeanor 

you’ve announced yourself 
forever wearing? I came

so you may live again–come,

come! there’s room for you 
by my side, darling.
inspired by this. My grandma had this picture of Jesus on the wall. For many years, it’s made me wonder if he’s always sad. With the name, “man of many sorrows,” it’s been difficult for me to imagine Jesus sitting back with friends laughing & enjoying life. It says so in His Word, he didn’t just cry. He enjoyed meals. Weddings. 

Last year, I had a dream the night before my birthday, where I walked with the laughing Jesus in a field. I knew I was holding his hand, but my vision was blurry. I knew he was laughing even though the dream was silent. I kept wanting to ask him what was so funny, but he keep walking with me and laughing. I was confused.

My grandma told me not many people see the laughing side of Jesus and this was reassurance. He was with me.

I think there was more to it. He isn’t the sad or angry God I’ve grown believing in. He’s life. Life isn’t only sadness or anger. It’s joy, too.

I so easily forget this. Because God is love. And love is patient and kind. He doesn’t boast in himself. He rejoices over us.

He hopes we’ll believe this.

And he’ll continue leading us in love, through the brokenness to happiness.

so i may see

God—
when I let
go, close
you come
again. with
open hands
I whisper,
make a way,
for I have nothing,
but your word
burning the seed
within; see I am
making a way through
the wilderness, streams
in the desert. those streams
my tears at how you love
impossibility, lavishing
compassion unforgettable

so, i wrote a post a few days ago, about not being able to praise God because I was excited/nervous/doubting I would get chosen for a ticket to Emily’s launch party. by the end of saturday night, i gave up checking my email like a crazy person. (the deadline was then anyway.) And really, God was waiting for me to let go of it and give it to him. sunday, I was worrying about when a blog tour is for a book review. (get ready, this is going tone a new edition to the blog next month :

today, someone emailed about the dates for the blog tour. and tonight, I received an email from Emily’s assistant,, with an invite for me + a guest to join the Simply Tuesday launch party. Let me just say, I pretty much sat on my bed and texted friends and my brother the news, while spitting out random whats and hows to God.

And everyone is all: are you going to hp?! I say, I want to. It’s in North Carolina. I need a driver. (like I’m British..) I REALLY REALLY want to go with Megan. Money for a hotel because there is no way we could do a three hour 53 min drive  back. That’s like 8 hours in the car. I love the car, but it’d be seriously late by the time we got back.

Part of me is like: You’re crazy if you accept this. You have no idea if it’ll work.You should say no.

The other: What is possible for man is possible for God. You wanted to get out of your comfort zone, didn’t you?

This was a complete surprise (I’m noticing God likes those a lot more than my wanting to know nature does) & I can’t help but believe God will make a way. by or before Wednesday at 5.

The tears and laughter are mingling within me. And the shaking…

awe.

never leaving

Saul sends message
for David–man after
God’s own heart,

I need a song
to soothe black
invading inside.

Please come
sing me melody,
he urged. The harpist

came beside
his friend,
even as we walk

through depression’s
valley, how faithful God
Is! Walking arm & arm beside

quiet water in pasture
where Love brings us.
Here we stand with light

burning not wrath
we so deserve—
mercy, mercy, mercy

pleading take
in our Healer’s
pupils dilated wide

with only goodness
give, s may these chords
I pluck, bring you before

His grace—

After that, whenever the bad depression from God tormented Saul, David got out his harp and played. That would calm Saul down, and he would feel better as the moodiness lifted. (1 Samuel 15:23)

This verse hit me today with a smile. I’m doing a 13-week study on David. so this is the fist I’ve read of him outside of Psalms (best book in the Bible, by they way ;)). While reading about how after Saul disobeyed God for the second time, taking cattle as a sacrifice for God, I was struck by even though God left Saul, He still showed kindness, friendship through David. This shows me even when you disobey Him, He doesn’t let you go.

because i can’t stop staring

wake with your words
being sung inside mu mind—
where are your accusers now?

what you told the woman
after hushing crowd placing
her before you, shall we

stone her as instructed
in Moses law? they are
pleading, Jesus: this

adulterer needs to
punished, there must
be justice! you catch

her eyes, others.
only fear speaks
with such haste.

in love, you
exclaim—
let the sinless

here cast
the first stone!
all heads lower,

slipping away
unheard. you
& your beloved

stand together,
maybe tears
hitting ground.

hands held
silently, before
you annonce,

i do not condemn
you, either—go
live unashamed.

was your adoration
alighting her heart,
as is mine?

This song on his on iTunes radio station for days. (there is another he sings after, that sounds like me i can’t get the question out of mind, because i’m pretty sure Jesus has been asking me the same one. except i think i’m waiting for someone to condemn me. but my crowd is all the voices in my head. and Jesus keeps whispering, i love you, keep going. i’ll handle all the fear trying to push you to ground. you are free to love me as I keep loving you.

and i am torn between tears and laughter.