when i can’t praise you

here is where
i start to waver—
ask you to show
yourself faithful.

God, i fear i’ll fail,
if i don’t take this
housing offer, with-
out money for upfront

fees. or sign up
for classed i don’t
have interest in
now—to learn

to write better,
speak with
belief upon tongue.
i quiver with blush

running cold
inside my chest.
there is something
else, a chance among

a voice whose words
echo yours—close,
personal whisper
confirming my

smallness
against mystery
i’ve had no luck
solving, only

repeated question
turned period.
trust me. & your
hand asking mine.

God, I shouldn’t be shocked at this at all. I mean, you gave me one of the coolest opportunities. Launching this book coming out next month. The very encouraging words throughout the whole thing so far. That I’m not screwing up, it’s okay to go slow & not be so serious. It’s no wonder to you I want to go the launch party. In North Carolina… way out of comfort zone. Among people I don’t know, To say thank you to Emily for how her message has touched me. Maybe talk a little longer. Meet other people who are on the team, too. We both know how strongly I feel when I sense your presence. Shaky. I wonder of I’d feel the same way around these group of people…

But space is limited & money is low & i’d have need a place to stay. & I’d have to be selected. But I keep remembering how months ago, I saw Emily was having a launch team. I stared at the picture on instagram & said, “God, I really want to do this! Ugh!” and with some doubt, I applied. A week passes & then I get the email announcing I was on the team.

You remember the screaming. “NO WAY NO WAY! YESS! It was a dream come true I didn’t know I had/

But I get a message today saying housing has ben found for Fall Semester. And I feel that familiar cold sweat, that I’m failing someone if I don’t make a decision this instant. The funny thing is, the deadline for both these are Friday.

I should want to go to school. Not follow you into this elusive that keeps calling me. I should be focusing on a job, not staying up til almost 3 AM, watching I love lucy & then starting to write a review because the words won’t leave.

I’m actually afraid if you gave me the opportunity to go the book launch party. I don’t know how it would work. Or if I’d even open my mouth and just shake in front of these people.

What is impossible for me, isn’t for you.

I’m afraid of getting either, but we both know what I really want. Hold me through it all because this is terrifying.

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One thought on “when i can’t praise you

  1. Pingback: so i may see | crippledatYourtable

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