because there is no law to love

i dream i awake
to darkest room—
i squint for light,

in fear i am alone.
breath won’t come
easy in my lungs—

a distant white
flashes close,
walking edge

of my bedside.
& then gone.
i thought for sure

your presence,
or this angel
would stay a little

longer, but i awake
to the setting sun
only to sleep until

12 am, where
want of his kiss
comes heavy as

secondhand smoke
breathed in into the lung.
i laid, letting myself tell you,

God, i can do this. i am
fine. i am not going to—
but in my mind, i am

begging him, kiss
me again. it is raining
& i want him to pull over

& my hand is reaching
down for the apple, hold
my breath, hear you whisper

stop. i ignore you until
i swallow & ask forgiveness
again, without ounce of guilt
til i’m crying over a remembrance
of us in a field, apprehensive of your
laughing. in love with me after i betrayed

you—i hate fleshy indulgence i die to,
finding myself in a casketed self-hatred
blinding me to love you gave, give

without consent.


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