who looked over me with compassion

God,
i think one angel
moved to sit beside me
here in this darkened room.
was it her—grandma? alone,
i know not what to say, i am
afraid i am wrong. suddenly
i mourn the presence of woman

fmf prompt: alone. it’s 2:10 a.m. i tried going to sleep at 12 something but found myself staring at the ceiling, crying. it’s been a very difficult two weeks for me. disappointment. hiding true feelings about it only to fight with God about being so angry over not getting what want. and hurt. and joyful over giving this thing (launch party tickets) to someone closer). And then absolute silence. From what feels like God.

I don’t understand why when I am hurting, He brings new and dear friends, where we share our hearts, prayers and somehow through the waiting and confusion, there is God’s love. May not be as I’d like but my heart lifts the same.I love how he loves me through them & lets me do the same/ Also, I wrote the poem to this. Still makes me emotional every time. i totally understand the song now.

but not without you

Jesus laughs
with little children,
she said.

in my memory
we are clasped –
Your left for my right.

laughter escapes
the smiling mouth
awed at my curiosity –

I was young, tiny
in the hold of Love,
vistas blue above.

green trees before,
beside and mt Father –
how well I am known

within my heart.
pride has ensnared
my foot – Daddy,

I want to be right!
I can fix this – – –
I want to grow up,

like you,

this pretty much my last night and this last week. Thank you, Michelle for inspiring the beginning of this. 🙂 I can’t get the words out of my head. I’m so thankful for you. ❤

He came to me like rain this morning. And just like that butterfly I saw while singing this yesterday. He’s got something just up ahead. It’s probably more of Him. 🙂

rush in love, Sunday

you are kind
when my eyes 
meet yours–
God, is this good?

I think to an otherwise

empty room, only me
& the quietest companion

of the trinity. Holy Spirit,

maybe I can’t see the color
of your pupils, but blue

comes to mind–a river

prompt: You meet a man named Sunday. What is he like?

From this lovely woman & her rambles.

Rereading this, I love how I still can’t perceive God. But think he’s further off than the Holy Spirit. And he’s silent, looking at me always with the wells of love.

God, you aren’t as distant as I think because you say your loving eye is upon me. All the time. The Holy Spirit reminds me of your words. And sits with me in the dark, the questions, the way I think you may have turned away, leaving me more anxious than I wish to admit?

What is my consolation for this?

You loves me yesterday. You love me today. You’ll me tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year.

You have forever on your mind. And this isn’t going to shift, like shadows I sometimes think walk around my bed at night. The way I cower under the blanket, as the they sit bedside: the quietest reminder I am not alone.

This gift from my Father, full of light, who runs toward me with intention to share his heart.

This creepy, slithery serpent named, Anxiety needs crushing. LORD, your name is a fortress, so come quick with reminder of your love. With your face, because my inside is unnerved and tense & there is no need worry, when your thoughtful plans are always to prosper, not harm.

A hope in you for the future you have for me.
Fight for me, Lord, as I wait still.

here in my blindspots

You always come

and find me when 

I am not looking.

You fly above 

the roof, bright 

yellow & my mouth

gapes a little. How

You know my confusion,

wanting to know what is

happening.

Trust Me, the whisper

that won’t leave me.

you will exalted as long

as I stay still & know

You are, my God,

** fmf prompt: find. This has been a week of waiting, disappointment, and giving. Oh and more waiting. Somehow God knows I’m depressed and confused, because my promise for today: be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted over all the earth. Also, I saw a yellow butterfly again. A sign of His love. So, I’m holding on & feeling the breeze. And breathing out the worry.
Cue more worship music.

you have set me free

the cure for pain
is not all the frappes
i wish to numb this heart
ache. my stomach would
flare, along with my tongue—
see, i’m smiling, let’s take on
the world, God! you, so patient
& kind, watch continous plea,
silent & sulky weather falling
out of the sky: love me til i can
see.

Simply Tuesday

Having Cerebral Palsy, I have always felt the world moves too fast.

From the way we are bombarded with Facebook notifications. 

Text messages. Emails. Instagram feeds.

We are constantly thus into a state of response.

We talk, read, eat so we can move on to the next task.

In Simply Tuesday, Emily brings answer to a question I’ve silently asked Jesus.

Why doesn’t the world slow down? 

Most days, I forget I ask myself the same question. Even with walking slower, my soul whirls on the same. I want more than my soul can hold. 

Like books I will never read. Or medium-sized coffees with enough sugar to zap the energy from me. Or dreams of being published in a high-paying magazine.

But smallness, at least in my experience, is where God draws closest. When we are rushing around, we often miss this.

Trees waving in the breeze.

The way the summer sun casts a shimmering light before setting for the night.

A hug in the midst of a hard day.

A “thinking of you” text when grief is hard-pressed against you.
A respelling of your name and nicknames (Jewelia, Twink, Somp, LA are some of mine..) that seem to make your heart smile.

Sitting with people you love around a pan of lasagna, talking about life.

A friend falling asleep on you while watching the Chronicles of Narnia.

A friend who lets a conversation linger in the middle of of busy workday.

Singing made-up songs until you are laughing hard.

A cat with wide green eyes who nuzzles you like you’ve been gone years

The way someone holds your hand, looks you in eye that makes you tremble inside because you know are being seen.

Staring at stars for the first time.

This is our smallness in the presence of Christ. This is how he deeply touches my life. 

Read this book. It’ll help you see the kingdom of God in your crazy, busy life.

****

All I want to say is it’s been an honor to be apart of Emily’s launch team for this book. It’s helped me appreciate my smallness, my desperate need for Jesus and how I want him lead me in love, rather than be pushed by fear. For all the people I’ve met through this experience, shocks me.

I hope you’ll get this book and linger with your smallness on a bench for awhile. Your soul will thank you. ☺️

I don’t need your presents,

just your presence.

I said these words on my birthday. They were to comfort a friend, who told me her gift would be coming later.

Everyone laughed. Or maybe there were a lot of was and smiles.

I can’t remember everything exactly. I wanted that to be the truth though.

In a way, it was. I was grateful for the people standing/sitting around that table with me. My mom, brother, sister, even my bestie for the restie who drove an hour to celebrate with me.

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My heart was still in a state of wanting. At the time, I thought, “God, I’m so overwhelmed. I don’t want to open this card, or finish this cake. I just want to stay in the moment with these people. Please.”

If you’ve read my poetry, you know I have tough time letting things go. Letting them be. When I’m given something, taken somewhere, or around someone, I never want to fully engage.

I’m afraid they will leave. Seriously, when I get a book or letters in the mail, I keep them in the package awhile instead of ripping the package open.

“But Julia, that is crazy. Don’t you want what they took time to send?”

Of course I do. Half the time, I don’t know how to enjoy things, so I put it off. Or, I do enjoy something, like my birthday, and long for stay.

In Emily’s new book, Simply Tuesday, she says, “Presence is what we all need to feel secure.” Presence for me has always been a book, a person, or a cat. I’ve never thought about it in terms of God’s presence.

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I don’t want this be taken like I idolize either of these. Because if you want to know another truth, I’m afraid to get close to people for this reason. I’m afraid I already do.. Which is why I sometimes feel like God has me in long-distance friendships. Because he and I both know I get all, Oh, I have to talk to them!! Their light is so pretty!! We need to besties!

Every time I catch myself, God pulls me away. I won’t tell Him I’m doing it, either. Well, that is til I’m crying, Why do I feel so alone, God?!

You aren’t spending time with Me.

He’s the only presence that will make me feel secure. Not the unread (or half read) books. Not the people in my life. Far away. Yes, they may have God’s light inside them, but they aren’t Him.

Writing this shows me I place my hope so far away from Jesus. I’m crying right now typing this,. It could be because it’s easier to see the temporary when so much of my has felt as if I’m waiting to be punished.

I know my guilt. I know the way I buy books, swearing I’ll read them, but I don’t. I know how I hear of a new Starbucks drink and can get one that day, when I know it can be better spent on groceries.

Books and Starbucks drinks are held until they are gone. They aren’t Him.

No matter how many times I turn away from His presence, He turns toward me.

And maybe I saw this on my birthday. Despite the hesitation to receive, He still gave His attention to me. He still gave His word to me:

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. (Eph 2:10 NASB)

I want to walk in these good works. I want to receive them, knowing he secures me in his love. His presence.