as I die to me

our Father in heaven,
this morning over french toast,
I lost control—change comes
without announcement, &

i scream, no, no, no!
i want to hold on, even
as I cry, hallowed still
is Your name. foe every

loss brings me wait
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done—
love move closer

on earth as in heaven
(eternal light, love, no
update) give me this say
my piece of daily bread.

do not conform to this
(wanting, wanting, wanting)
world. who here wants things
the same? oh, me & the old

say no to newfangled technology.
i remember the days she spent
talking tot a friend through
the cordless about family,

weather, news, recipes
she loved being around
family—I saw the way
her blue eyes sparkled

truth quiet: holiness
lies in the facial,
reaching out with
a tissue because

your heart aches.
forgive me my anger,
as i forgive those who
hurt me—lead me not

to fear, a deliver me
from lies I warrant belief—
all change is sorrow.
for Yours is the power

to help me accept good
You wish fill my hands
& heart, hoping I bring
You forever glory

I’ve learned today I’m still a child who doesn’t like change.even good change, my body and my brain are: NO JULIA HOLD ON TO ALL THINGS! YOU CAN DO IT!  And my heart is quiet.I can’t hold onto all. people go. words go. places chane. everything is seasonal & my heart knows that. i think it also doesn’t process immediate change well. even if the change is good, i’m like: I don’t know…

i need help embracing the good, instead of: oh, this is horrible, now I have less. what do I do?! Something I think Jesus makes room in my life for goodness physically, so I will open my eyes, hands to his love.

also, this poem was written after i updated my iOS which was updated in March. so I lost some stuff like messages and apparently pictures I’m going to have to go through and delete again. In a way, this reminds me of my smallness and Jesus’ promise: Don’t fear, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged or dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And I have to take Him at His world, the One unchangeable.

let the evil pass from me 

I doubt I can sit

at your table with 

A straight face because

Jesus, the leaves before me
& so does their love and I want 

to cry. How do you look in my eyes 

And see the light you give me, 

burning to make this right? My 

inside screams the groans you keep. 

The ones incoherent. I am a sinner 

who is learning quiet submission to 

**fmf: doubt. This is the second poem I’ve written this week that’s made me well inside. I haven’t written poetry like this in a long time. Also, I thought today was Thursday..

she can’t quit

meanwhile,
(while grievous)
be content with
unimportance,
like You.

Jesus,
on the mountain
did You cry for
Your Father—
please,

remind me
I am whom
You love.
Wrap me
in belief.

I’ce read
how You lavish
love on me every
breath. silence
the best gift,

watching me
cry & hide in
truth—I may
be envious
of people fine

in telling You
goodbyes—
nullifying heart
with all pleasure
feeble hands can,

(food, words, screen)

Your promise to guide
tenderly & bless me;
envelops this blue
sheep in longing

today, I had a list of all i want to do today. that isn’t happening. instead, i wrote this to remind myself small isn’t bad. Satan’s been trying tell me, oh, Julia, no one sees or cares what you’re doing. How come no one is paying attention to how sad and confused you feel? No one is even listening. You’ll be lonely forever. Stop praying, He isn’t listening. Stop giving, it isn’t changing anything.

And Jesus, knowing that I’ve gone a little crazy (lack of being able to sleep and food. I have food, it all just tastes off), leads me to Psalm 73:

though i am plagued by grief when i think i’m doing okay (and everyone around seems happy), Jesus is still holding my hand, leading me in his love tenderly. Somewhere in my heart, I think He’s left me, but then I think He’s loving me quietly.

The best thing for me.

The Chase

  • How can a guy who doesn’t know Jesus understand the spiritual depth of your heart?–Kyle Kupecky

After finishing The Chase by Kyle and Kelsey Kupecky last night, I have been more honest with myself about past relationships, and waiting for the guy God has for me.

From my early teens, I have always wanted a boyfriend. Someone I could feel protected with. Laugh with. Share with. Love with. Hope with. (All of these sound very cliche, but true.)

In the relationships I have had with guys, I always felt unfilled and never knew why. Sure, I loved the hand holding. Being wrapped in someone’s arms. The kissing. Long talks. Being told I was beautiful over and over.

Jesus was always missing though. And I never knew because I didn’t know Him. Or that relationships without Him at the center, fail. Even though this book is targeted toward high school girls, I loved how Kyle and Kelsey wrote this to appeal to any girl.

I found the telling of their story in both prospectives refreshing. I looked forward to the a dice and encouragement Kyle gave in each chapter. Some of my favorite pieces were:

  • Girls, the right guy will place significance on your character, confidence, and passion for Jesus.
  • When a godly guy is leading, the girl is heard and put first.
  • Be defined by God’s love.

Kelsey had great encouragement as well. A question she posed in the book that I was compelled to write down:

  • Is beauty the most important thing?

She then went onto list three messages the world sends out. My favorite being, Inner beauty doesn’t catch anyone’s eye. This made think of the verse in the Bible that says man looks at the outer appearance, while the Lord looks at the heart.

It’s easy for me to be wooed by what a guy looks like on the outside. What he says. But at the heart, I always want to know about the depth of the guy, if words lead to action. I’ve been fooled by a guy’s words, but still hoped his heart told a different story.

After reading this book. I’ve had talks with God about beautiful I’m choosing to wait for.

A man who will lead, love, and run to God with me.

*I was given a copy of The Chase in exchange for my honest opinion*

with You, I am a child

i sit here
and wonder if
I can celebrate
the fact I drew
a lion’s face.
I keep going
over & over
the fur & face
as if maybe with
a little more effort,
I can make it perfect
for you. Abba, remember
when I was young, drawing
flower after flower with less
life than I knew was out there?
I wanted to make someone
happy * now when I’m alone

fmf prompt: celebrate. So I’ve been drawing this today:

IMG_8278

I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean I drew a lion’s face, compared to all the doodles (flowers and stars) I drew when I was young. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve been like, GOD, IT’S A LION’S FACE!! EEEE! YES! why does it look so much better from far away?! I shouldn’t have done the outline in pen, even if I see the lines better..should have made the box bigger..

“Do you know what I see?” I hear in the back of my head, as I behold the mess of cray lines.

Process. I should celebrate the fact it looks like a lion…and forget perfection.

I went out of the comfort zone again& came out with this.

And while I’m all: I need to make it better! God is all: we spent more quality time together.

I always forget that’s what I really, really want. Because I felt this cool rush in my spirit, every time I said: IT’S A LION!! And was the best feeling.

with forgiving silence

I walk in the door,
turn on the light & look
up. the bulb has burn-

ed out. well, this is
more intimate—I
can’t help wanting

tell You truth I’m
keeping, a secret
my body trembles

admit: I want sorrow
closer than blessed
(happy)ness given

to pure in heart.
I know too well taste
of tears, salt for thought

passing through nights.
no one understands me.
i can’t believe i did that.

oh Jesus, I shouldn’t be
joyous, please condemn
me. look at how human

I am! the past shadows
fall—Jesus, did I do that?
Or is my flesh flaring up

in war—my eyes
silently drawing down
surrender to sleep