without use

yes, I know
Your goodness
& mercy have sought
me up until this day.
Jesus, the nightmare
that came with a gun
feet away from my heart—
did You hold me closer
because it is just a dream?
right? i don’t know how to drive,
let alone control my own life.
the family & friends told me good
bye, while I tried gripping the break,

fmf prompt: yes. dreams that pay out parts of your life where you’ve felt out of control, which apparently is every single area. and you’re crying to someone to help, but he’s holding a gun, so you crawl to a public bathroom and a bathroom and hide. you get happy texts from a friend saying she’d love to see you & you should get food, but this is a emergency: you didn’t listen to another friend and now her car is damaged and you didn’t mean to hit the break.

you don’t even now how you switched to the driver’s seat and how you almost jumped out to save yourself from oncoming traffic. and how did the car wind up forward? across the street? Must be God. And in the bathroom an older lady finds you in the stall and says: talk slower, sweetie. WHY DONT YOU GO BACK TO GOD! HIS WORD! HE’S THE ONE! and she sounds mad and you’re backing away until you disappear into the wall.

the weird thing is ever since I was young, I’ve had a reoccurring dream, i’m rolling backwards down an exit ramp, until crash into a water tower we used to live by. everything goes black always. i know it’s either because i want to control my life or i feel out of control. i’m really feeling both . i’ve even been telling God I know i don’t have it  but i don’t understand why envy won’t leave me, why when i’m most off my guard or i i spend time with You, the Devils all, look what you don’t have, hahahahaha!

And God says, You’re still in my presence. I’m wisely and tenderly (with major emphasis on this) leading you. then i start to cry or stare off and wonder if I’ve lost it completely. Sigh. I need Him so much/

*all below the poem is crazy rambles and not part of the fmf prompt*

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