in beauty.

instead of bacon for breakfast,
I ate burritos—bean & cheese.
I thought of nothing but the way
you want to give me joy in exchange
for any bitterness I have toward people,
places, myself I can’t change. I walk down
the hall, watch the light from the window dance
across the wall and stare like the child you see
inside, lost in love you’ve trapped

fmf: bacon. this is probably one of the most interesting prompts I’ve done since joint this community. I saw it last night and said,”bacon?” quite a few times aloud. *insert laughing emoji here*

where light will touch me

I need to see you,
God—goodness &
mercy shall follow me
all the days of life, even
as my thoughts expose
fear my fingers openly
type. I am attracted to
your light; I want to bask
in the glow of holiest laugh
haunting my days. in my dreams,
I am left alone in a car rolling to my
death. all in my mind, I know, but my
God, I don’t want to go into the dark.
I have no control and the past voices
scream condemnation, hold me hostage:
You should be ashamed of speaking your
mind. you have no right to say what you have.
she should have never forgiven you. why can’t
work harder? you did this to yourself. You should
move on—God, for it is good to wait on you, no
shame comes upon my face, who calls upon you
purely to see your face. mighty are you, to save
the crushed in spirit, brokenhearted. near to me,
are you, who calls me fearfully & wonderfully made,
a little lamb knowing stray. if you left the ninety-nine
to search for me, I’d stare blankly before a cry broke
loose: you won’t relent and I can’t take this anymore.
I’m growing cold from the pain & yes, the anger seeks
root, I was not made for murder—please show me rest
beside greenest pasture.

even as I am misunderstood

they say,
being loved
is the greatest
joy. if you looked
me in the eyes, could
you see the loss I’ve let
slip time from my hands?
I’ve told Jesus the guilt bangs
a mockery against my heart;
I should be able to give myself
without hesitation

fmf: joy. i don’t understand this poem. but i do understand writing or listening to this song is my heart cry to Jesus. every time I hear. “I don’t want you to see this” and then again, I get teary and shaky.

lovey the lamb

IMG_1232-1.jpg

Today I had this idea to write a children’s book about a lamb who is left by her herd due to her feeling too much. Sadness. Over not wanting to wander anymore. Because her herd can’t lead themselves. And Lovey is tired of feeling lost, unloved.

She wants to wonder. It needs work, but now it will not leave me alone.

Let me not forget to mention that I haven’t written a story in 2 years and that was a complete mess.

On the plus side, maybe she can be the lamb, who leads the wanderers? And repeats her words.

This will be interesting because it may break my draw one thing and done. Lovey will definitely look different every time.

prayers please.

prayer’s prelude

middle of night
I rest my head
against the board

& we commune.
You are light,
I think to myself.

outside, I imagine
stars are noticeable
with my blurry vision.

beneath my frame,
your longing rushes
through my body—

a child inaudibly
laughing, running,
coming toward me

until I am lifted;
held in the arms
of the unseen.

**

i don’t know what it is about midnight and Jesus lately, but it feels like this:

chemicals I’m wading
thought I heard you saying
you love me more than words could ever groan
chemicals I’m wading
all my skin is grating
like stars giving birth inside my bones

my thought prayers go everywhere; He rejoices. it actually feels like he’s dancing & laughing without a sound. it’s interesting how i feel like he’s giving me a hug. it’s a warmth I’ve never felt, steady.

beauty

You’re never giving
up the pursuit of this
heart to be found by you.

in bodrum, near
the castle, a place
I’ve never dared go—

I’ll imagine you resting
back against a fortress
unlike you, my God—the

only safety for the widowa
in this so-called paradise
we beg never perish, for

the fatherless in Yspilanti
(this whole wide earth)—
look up at the cloudy sky,

blocking light we came
from. “it’s Me.” You cry
inside chests unable

believe we walk on
water, trample serpents
by their heads. forget

the shotgun, let the
angels lift me above
stoning lie: unlovely,

so I may wrap my arms
around Your name, know-
ing I am the original spacefan;

rebelling with all sisu to keep
away. You know I’m just and just
as dust—leaving me nowhere to go

except the ground—the start
of the mosaic You paint from
helpless cries: be my only.

another poem from song titles, this time while a playlist was on shuffle. some of these were seriously difficult to use, but I love how God pulls it all together.

for eternity holds me

in a perfect world,
I’d say the Word
who took one look
at the remake I followed
to turn my hopes higher—

Love, I can’t tell
I’m an impersonator;
invisible chains make
a stalemate of this strait-
jacket I can’t seem shed.

oh, to take on the world,
say yes! yes! I’ll help you!—
a magnetic force tempting
me keep our (world) love
remains, but I’m a dead

ringer, a pharisee trying
my best to follow every
rule. I believe that will
get me seen, never left.
one beat from a heartbreak.

here, in the broken Eden,
my thoughts are up in the air
where my dreams take me
back to the dance & my laugh,
as you swing me in the paradise;

8th wonder I haven’t seen.
no telling what we could do
next—humility has only ached
truth; I am detestable to myself-
Love never fails welcome anyway.

So, I put on Marc Martel earlier and this came out. I love how I am getting back into writing with song titles. It really stretches me and makes me focus though I’m losing myself in the music. Megan, I don’t know how often you red my blog, but thank you again for taking me to this concert, and being my friend. If you want to introduce me to more music, so I can write poetry to it, go ahead. You know you just want to sit me next to another amp 😉 now, i just gotta write a poem to downhere. ❤

look at my dissension

i love the way
green colors trees
in spring & summer—
never the heaviness
holding down my heart
all year round.
why she’s liking that
photo by my friend?
why can I function
better broken, aching
with a grievous heart
than I can? why was i
duped by such pretty
words yet again? why
can’t i be less open? i
want to read so many
books,

fmf: green. my favorite color, which also happens to be the color of envy, which leads to pride. and control. and guess who has that? me. that’s why i want to read any book about Jesus I can, so i can ignore the grief, the fact i want to be understood by friends or someone I meet, but the more I spend time with Jesus. reading his word, I want to stay. He listens to EVERYTHING. The silence, tears, and the longingI have to be smothered in his love. Though, I almost was severely distracted by FB (I don’t use anymore, but I log into 8tracks with it), he pulled me back to write this. All social media has shown me how quickly I become envious or feel i’m not good enough. but this year in all it;s confusion, hurt, guilt i’ve felt, i’ve felt pulled into Jesus’ embrace over and over. and know he’s guiding and tenderly leading me by my weakness (right hand).

(this isn’t part of the five minutes & i could write a lot mire,but I need to focus on the ending of the paragraph.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand. (psalm 73)

and this.

with only room to grow

what I hate,
I ask more of—
let me have every
book I think I can read.
let me see how many
people I can say, yes,
i’ll review those books,
edit this one, read through
that one. I take them, a hoarder
of words, unopened gifts I want
keep all year long. look, Lord,
i can be busy now. obligated.
trusted. helpful. good. i think
i can fool the holy One, who
knows the dream of falling in
the dark has me crying sound
less, for air bidding me, come
take this light & drop regret
you hold—for this grace is real;

what else I have learned this week: saying “no” is hard. even when it’s the right thing to do. even after saying yes and the person shows you understanding even though you’re feeling the humility. the smallness. the knowing you want less, not more because it feels like you are being crushed. seriously. i had a dream this morning where i was half asleep and i just feel this sense of dread and i can’t move, it’s like i’m paralyzed and I keep trying to get up, scream, but it passes after i fully fall asleep. it’s creepy though. and i feel like my insides are screaming for Jesus.

saying no gave me room to breathe. i felt a little peace in my soul. i’m still feeling a little anxious, but I know Jesus understands and will reassure me everything will be okay. i want to do what Jesus has given me well, not overwhelm myself with a million things and wind up doing nothing and lose my soul, love for him or anything else .

I want room to take in Jesus & that is the is the hardest when I fall for the temptation to do more. Multitasking isn’t my thing, especially with books. when I give myself to something, I’m all there. Sounds like Jesus toward me. He loves well, personally.

He was present with whomever, whatever he was doing. Not all, “yeah, lemme text the one whom I love back, check their Insta, finish these two projects, write all these letters, kay?” He is always here, waiting for me and I’m always, hang on, email. instagram. Must check all verses off these Bible plans. I want to draw. Poetry. Read this other book. Bored.

And then I wind up singing a song and heart moves. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me go crazy. Please help me not to be a slave to my own desires and lead me by the unforced rhythms of your grace.

(so much eye opening things. my heart hurts from all  Jesus bears from me. But then again, love bears all things 🙂 )

which is not Instagram

in this lighted room,
I read aloud David’s
pleads, Lord, if you
do not come soon,
I will be devoured.
do not delay your
rescue—so quiet,
sudden, comes
the slithering one.
Come see who
loves you, he says.

I stay still, the Word
asking me see what
is true—you came into
my aching heart;
My darling. I
don’t seek to flatter
you, as some means to

an end, but
love you with all I AM.

The Devil is trying to avert my attention every other day (okay EVERY DAY.) it feels. The past week or two, I’ve watched how Satan disguises himself as light. And God is giving nudges, “this isn’t good for you. not the one. DISAPPOINTMENT IS COMING.” (He really didn’t yell that one.) And then one day, you know goodbye is needed, but you want to hang on, but you obey God, finally. And as you cry at night because your heart hurts, you know how God has came through on His word, He will protect you and rescue you from what you think you want. He knows I deserve so much better than that. The heart really is desperately sick. I know mine is.

And today while I was reading Psalm 22, I see notification from Instagram. And while normally I would go look right away, I waited til it passed and finished reading the psalm about God, who does what He says, only to find that it was spam. To gain Instagram fame.

If I would’ve given into that, I would’ve been  distracted for at least 30 mins by the feed I’d already looked at twice before. But I felt the nudge to stay there because I needed reminded. Even though I feel like God’s leaving me alone, He’s not. The darkness I’ve been only seems to draw me back to him. To sing songs where I first heard Him. To when I was young and loved to draw. To watching The Skit Guys, where I learned God isn’t as serious as I think. To a letter from a dear friend I’ve missed more than I realized, who will get more hugs and tears from me, after I get over the shock over seeing her again. To admitting to myself and another friend, I have a pride issue. To praying more than I have.

I love how God will not let me go. I love how patient and caring He is. I love how He’s going to keep showing me there’s a place for me here. Til it sinks in my heart & overcomes my darkness.