God knew grief is joy

i know the breaks
better than the bends.
so when He says,
my arms can be your
home—I stare off in
the distance, because
distance is what this heart
knows. I want so badly to be
loved, the angst of a dysfunctioned
family, leaves me asking, why?
i can’t bear if

fmf: family. so tired. dreams of snakes & staying up with God until 4ish, because your heart is scared and heavy. even tho you know you have nothing to fear, makes foe an awesome night. not. I just want to fall into the God’s arms and not move for a long time. I am noticing that when I get close to God, I am attacked or tempted and then I’m running back to God. hey. i’m so so sorry. i’m not strong enough and i need so much  love. I keep praying Ephesians 3:14-21, well parts of it, for people in my life.

I prayed it for myself today. and last night, I read this:

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. (Eph. 5:1-2 MSG)

I want to observe how Christ loves in extravagance. I don’t know what I expect. The only thing I can see is how through my grief and loneliness, it’s like I’n on a mountain, praying or sitting quietly. or crying over desires of my heart that I thought were dead or refused to acknowledge. It’s beautiful the way Jesus is hearing and answering some of my prayers for others, and the way he keeps me praying for them.

But for me, I feel I’m growing down. Angsty. Crying. Drawing every other day, going: How’s this looking, Daddy?” And my inside exclaims: Wonderful, My child! Keep going!

Sometimes I try pulling away, but I keep going back. Because I find him there every time. If the desires of my heart are to draw him pictures, because I know I have to lean on Him morse so than my writing, maybe He actually os answering one of my prayers.

I think I’m just very blind.

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2 thoughts on “God knew grief is joy

  1. Wow, don’t know as I can convey how perfect this is to read. That last part, about leaning on God vs. leaning on your writing, that is where I am. My writing is why I am alive, yet it cannot give me what God can, it can just help me cope. The fear that keeps you up, I know that as well. I have PTSD and just the other night I couldn’t sleep for the fear that someone had triggered with their cruelty toward me. I long to trust God implicitly, and, in my head, I do. I know He is the only one I can trust. But as I draw close, I am terrified of what I will actually find. You are not blind though, you are learning and God is beautifully and patiently and lovingly teaching you. Thank you so much for being open and sharing this.

    • Sara, I love that you can relate to this so well. Being as open as I am in my poetry lately, it scares me because I don’t know what it is doing by continuously pouring it out. But how you open and honest you are in this comment, makes me glad I continue to share my heart. Could we email? “But as I draw close I’m terrified of what I will find.” Yes, yes. I’m going to pray for you. ❤️ thank you for sharing your heart–I’m sorry it took me so long to respond to you.

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