i know the breaks
better than the bends.
so when He says,
my arms can be your
home—I stare off in
the distance, because
distance is what this heart
knows. I want so badly to be
loved, the angst of a dysfunctioned
family, leaves me asking, why?
i can’t bear if
fmf: family. so tired. dreams of snakes & staying up with God until 4ish, because your heart is scared and heavy. even tho you know you have nothing to fear, makes foe an awesome night. not. I just want to fall into the God’s arms and not move for a long time. I am noticing that when I get close to God, I am attacked or tempted and then I’m running back to God. hey. i’m so so sorry. i’m not strong enough and i need so much love. I keep praying Ephesians 3:14-21, well parts of it, for people in my life.
I prayed it for myself today. and last night, I read this:
Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. (Eph. 5:1-2 MSG)
I want to observe how Christ loves in extravagance. I don’t know what I expect. The only thing I can see is how through my grief and loneliness, it’s like I’n on a mountain, praying or sitting quietly. or crying over desires of my heart that I thought were dead or refused to acknowledge. It’s beautiful the way Jesus is hearing and answering some of my prayers for others, and the way he keeps me praying for them.
But for me, I feel I’m growing down. Angsty. Crying. Drawing every other day, going: How’s this looking, Daddy?” And my inside exclaims: Wonderful, My child! Keep going!
Sometimes I try pulling away, but I keep going back. Because I find him there every time. If the desires of my heart are to draw him pictures, because I know I have to lean on Him morse so than my writing, maybe He actually os answering one of my prayers.
I think I’m just very blind.