with only room to grow

what I hate,
I ask more of—
let me have every
book I think I can read.
let me see how many
people I can say, yes,
i’ll review those books,
edit this one, read through
that one. I take them, a hoarder
of words, unopened gifts I want
keep all year long. look, Lord,
i can be busy now. obligated.
trusted. helpful. good. i think
i can fool the holy One, who
knows the dream of falling in
the dark has me crying sound
less, for air bidding me, come
take this light & drop regret
you hold—for this grace is real;

what else I have learned this week: saying “no” is hard. even when it’s the right thing to do. even after saying yes and the person shows you understanding even though you’re feeling the humility. the smallness. the knowing you want less, not more because it feels like you are being crushed. seriously. i had a dream this morning where i was half asleep and i just feel this sense of dread and i can’t move, it’s like i’m paralyzed and I keep trying to get up, scream, but it passes after i fully fall asleep. it’s creepy though. and i feel like my insides are screaming for Jesus.

saying no gave me room to breathe. i felt a little peace in my soul. i’m still feeling a little anxious, but I know Jesus understands and will reassure me everything will be okay. i want to do what Jesus has given me well, not overwhelm myself with a million things and wind up doing nothing and lose my soul, love for him or anything else .

I want room to take in Jesus & that is the is the hardest when I fall for the temptation to do more. Multitasking isn’t my thing, especially with books. when I give myself to something, I’m all there. Sounds like Jesus toward me. He loves well, personally.

He was present with whomever, whatever he was doing. Not all, “yeah, lemme text the one whom I love back, check their Insta, finish these two projects, write all these letters, kay?” He is always here, waiting for me and I’m always, hang on, email. instagram. Must check all verses off these Bible plans. I want to draw. Poetry. Read this other book. Bored.

And then I wind up singing a song and heart moves. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me go crazy. Please help me not to be a slave to my own desires and lead me by the unforced rhythms of your grace.

(so much eye opening things. my heart hurts from all  Jesus bears from me. But then again, love bears all things 🙂 )

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