I cannot see, yet I know 

Last night I swore
you touched my shoulder-

all the blood rushed down

to my feet, my heart shaky

in beat. I listened intent for

you not to go, for you know

how I read of the beloved’s

search to find you. Restless

under covers, she bid streets 

a gamble-have you seen my dear,

he left without hello. No, ma’am, I 

imagine spoken in southern drawl–a 

turn, & there you are, 

hand round waist & bracing neck.

She tells all her friends, do not 

arouse love before it desires. I 

wonder am I wrong in wanting not 

be afraid of you? No, no, you speak with 

no word, but I can’t 

deny myself for you. 

This end line, “I can’t deny myself for you.” I don’t know if it makes any sense. Because God is love, he can’t deny himself for me–that love for me. But then when I read it, it sounds like, I can’t give up myself for you.” He did though. Coming into my helplessness, fully man & God, to have me near. Made me the object of his object of his affection, dying to be with me & raise me to life through his love.

The last line almost sounds contradictory: I can’t deny myself, but I did for you. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I wanted to look in your eyes. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I wanted to be there when you cry. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I yearn for your laugh. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I wanted to see you smile, be the one that makes you. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but who would sing to you or delight when you color pictures? Who would tell you, you are my dear, dear beloved & I will stop at nothing to show you.

Until unbelief no longer has you.
Yes, I’m getting a little overwhelmed. Writing that keeps me believing in my faithlessness, he is faithful.

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