Last night I swore
you touched my shoulder-
all the blood rushed down
to my feet, my heart shaky
in beat. I listened intent for
you not to go, for you know
how I read of the beloved’s
search to find you. Restless
under covers, she bid streets
a gamble-have you seen my dear,
he left without hello. No, ma’am, I
imagine spoken in southern drawl–a
turn, & there you are,
hand round waist & bracing neck.
She tells all her friends, do not
arouse love before it desires. I
wonder am I wrong in wanting not
be afraid of you? No, no, you speak with
no word, but I can’t
deny myself for you.
This end line, “I can’t deny myself for you.” I don’t know if it makes any sense. Because God is love, he can’t deny himself for me–that love for me. But then when I read it, it sounds like, I can’t give up myself for you.” He did though. Coming into my helplessness, fully man & God, to have me near. Made me the object of his object of his affection, dying to be with me & raise me to life through his love.
The last line almost sounds contradictory: I can’t deny myself, but I did for you. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I wanted to look in your eyes. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I wanted to be there when you cry. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I yearn for your laugh. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but I wanted to see you smile, be the one that makes you. I could’ve stayed in heaven, but who would sing to you or delight when you color pictures? Who would tell you, you are my dear, dear beloved & I will stop at nothing to show you.
Until unbelief no longer has you.
Yes, I’m getting a little overwhelmed. Writing that keeps me believing in my faithlessness, he is faithful.