I remember my youth during this day of ash–
sitting at the head of the table
as he brought Filet-o-fish & fries,
asking for ketchup be brought to me immediately. “It’s right here.”
she’d say, coming in from the kitchen with red, blue, green cups
full of juice–maybe grape–and Doug Funny or Rugrats on TV.
I had no concept this was a way of death,
but give something, meat, up because
Jesus says. What you are told you shall do.
And who doesn’t want McDonald’s
when you are young?
I knew what I was given was enough, not
as an act of love.
when I grew from this to tuna fish
on toast, I sat still in oblivion-one
bite, two. Enough. Enough. Enough.
Today, tomorrow, til my heart
opens without refrain to you,
come again with laughter casting
fearful dread aside. Touch my sweating hands, there, there, child, I may not be enough to you, but I am. You are enough.
In these truths, remain.
Lent will probably always remind me of eating tuna fish on toast and filet o fish sandwiches with over my grandparents as a child. Or when my other grandma took me for fish fries with mac n cheese and green beans. I’ve always thought of this time as sacrifice, but for myself. I knew it was for Jesus, but never to get closer to him. It’s interesting to me that during this quarter of my life, I’ve done this and felt like I failed myself, Jesus, others. People have always seemed more disciplined at this.
I think I was/still am drawn to the fact I can eat McDonald’s filer o fish for cheap during this time. And I can give up certain foods without it really being an issue.
But maybe this year will be more of challenge because I want to give up the way I talk about myself for his truth about me.
You are beloved.
You are complete.
You are enough.
I’ve spent a lot of my nights reading his word. Journaling during the day or reading another book. The minute I try sleeping at night, I feel small and overcome by fear that has gone not to make my heartbeat race but my hands sweat.
What is wrong with dreaming to go abroad? He isn’t going to let you. Oh, what? He just told you he loves you? Yeah, okay.
Because someone who loves you tells you to wait. Makes you talk to emptiness with only: though anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
You see him comforting you? Cause you’re sweating more and more and especially after I get you away. Even for a second. You keep crying and squirming and telling people the truth and what have you got?
Dismay. Oh and I know what he says, do not be dismayed for I am your God. You got two rejections last week all because your looking for approval? That’s a real strength booster huh?
You don’t even know what you want anymore, so indecisive and needy and afraid to even trust. Try harder won’t you?
^^^^that just all came out now, but this is what goes on inside my head, while I hear the quietest, I love you.
Prayers would seriously be appreciated because I’d rather hear the quiet invitation of his love, receive it, than rig thrum of doom I’ve been getting each night.
He is faithful.