it is not easy
to hear You whisper,
I love you, Julia. I want
to set you free. You don’t
have to be perfect. & I weep
until I am quiet, staring at all
the tear stains against the grey.
I wonder what You think when I
beg through gasps, I cannot let You in–I
want to but I cannot even
take what You give me–I need You
to show me who You are everyday,
over and over. & I cry
Burden of trying to understand how You love me like this. One who wants to rejoice one second and weep the next. Who wants to give up, but try again. Who wants to give, give, give, but stare at what I receive and push it back like a child. Because I should give until I am empty, and even then give. No receiving for this girl. Even if it’s something I want. Because that isn’t the point. It is to serve. With love. But I can’t love well when I refuse to receive it with open arms, without fear it is going to end. Because I can’t give back the same or at all. Or because I haven’t worked for it. Ugh.
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:17-18
You know why this is hilarious to me. 4/18 is my birthday and the way this verse is mostly about fear, it explains a lot about how I am. Please keep taking Your time with me, I’d like to receive more of this well-formed love, without rushing off to give it back. (This sounds selfish..)
But I need to soak You in so much than I allow myself. I’d to indulge myself, really.
I want a radiant face.