son, i look down

on two benches 

we unite, this 

stranger & I. 
She tells me

I must be close

to You, Abba, if

I write to You,

about You. I 

tell her I don’t 

this though people

tell me otherwise.

Why not? she says,

her leaning close to

hear my response 

almost breaks me wide 

open on the pavement,

father–I am not a people

per

fmf: unite.

This week has been rough. Emotionally. Monday I turned 26 and had a conversation (or more of a listening session) with this woman okay two years older than me. 

She told me repeatedly how blue my eyes were and how pretty they were, like crystals. And everytime she said this, I’d look down, feeling this shame or embrassment. I was so uncomfortable and almost sobbed later when she said, that’s okay. Be who you are.

And I felt this tug in my chest, like I wanted to sit there and cry: I don’t know who I am. I feel like a lost little girl inside, who has grown up too fast and has forgotten how to truly laugh and feel it everywhere within. It’s okay to sit and be quiet and watch the world swirl, aching to keep up? But you can’t keep up and watching everyone else around try, saddens you more than you can say?

And your own broken heart needs a little bit more of Jesus than you’d like to admit. But you have no idea how or when he’s going to come through for you. You just know he promises he’s clearing a way and he is the way and he understands your heaviness and tears better than you.

And you don’t want to forget his love for you. So, you hold on and wait. 

And try not to fret and worry and read his word way too late in the night, collecting promises on your phone so you won’t forget. But you wake up with the loud voice in your head telling you, you can’t trust. You’re an idiot for wanting to go deep, look at the way you squirm inside when someone talks to you. Or wants to. Shame on you.

But I don’t say this because my chest hurts and she’s telling me how God is in me and I’m stunned and then she’s saying happy birthday and God bless you.

And for most of this week, I’m so twisted inside. Tears come. And anger and sadness and I try and end up shutting out people because this keeps coming and I want to just embrace, but Abba knows how hard it is for me and I’m glad he isn’t going to give up pursuing me.

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