a home

I don’t expect You, 

abba, to speak to me

gently: I love you. I am

right here in this loneliness,

holding you gently as you wait

for me to blame you for how you

run. How you cannot move without

Me holding your hand. You’ve split

your heart down the middle & can

no longer pretend you can’t bear 

goodbye again. It’s always on your

tongue, but my mouth always invites you in to 
fmf: expect.

Dear Jesus, you know I’ve lost my mind. I know you understand, but this ache in my eyes and want to sob for no reason at all is awesome. Yes, sarcasm. I don’t understand why I write anymore other than the reason I started this blog: to expel all this pain. To you. I’d write you a thousand psalms to alleviate the anger, which is mostly sadness I’ve heard that keeps coming at the wrong people, myself, and you. I don’t want to be mad at you. I want to be joyful. But I look at myself in the mirror: who are you? Didn’t you used to love yourself? You did. You had to of, right? You didn’t used to be so afraid to do things.  You used to love talking on the phone to friends & boyfriends, but now you’re afraid to trust. You barely even draw anymore. Laughing never hurt. 

And now I’m here. Launching books and crying and staring straight ahead or up, hoping You’ll part the clouds, make my heart leap in my chest.

Because the taste of words in my mouth, heart have been the beginning of days long cry for You to come and embrace me until I understand a hint of how much I am worth to You. I read, but my heart shudders at thought You want me as Your home. To make room for Your love is the same as watching the rain hit red soil, running deep of how I must grieve how broken I am.

How I wait for you to come.
*** one of my best friends, Megan, launched the second edition of her first book of poetry/stories. This one stanza from a poem I’ve loved as a prayer. And the last story in the last section makes me want to give Jesus a hug. Not kidding. And jump in leaves.

This is the first book in a series she’s working on. The next book is about a rainbow. I’d like to give it all away, but I can’t spoil it for you 🙂 but i do know, I love watching her do her thing and how God is providing everything. He’s awesome at answering prayers. And so faithful. 🙂


2 thoughts on “a home

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