self hatred i can’t quit

Good, good Father,

there is no cheer in

my heart–only ache

at how long the resurrection 

takes. The past comes back 

In waves, anxiety over more

break. Look at, on me Father,

the negative remarks on my tongue fill 

my heart. Is it any

wonder my body is broke? My

thoughts spew on others what i 

Most spew on myselfA

fmf: cheer.

I’m so confused about everything in my life right now. I want to run, but I can’t. My heart hurts and I’m so mad at myself and Jesus that I don’t know anymore. One part of me is: I don’t care. The other: Jesus, the bitterness in my heart. How can You love me this way. It won’t stop. It’s so ugh. It makes me think all of my family, friends and You hate me. But You don’t. And they don’t either. But I’m so blind.

There’s the grey cat who lays on my lap for a minute or two, while a song plays about it being enough. 

A cookies n cream milkshake my sister gets after I ask for it (though I struggle with the asking and fearing a no. Because that’s what I figure from You, Abba. And I here I sit drinking it slow, just the same as the day she made me pancakes with peanut butter and I say thank you. But my mind feels in space and my heart is confused and quiet.

Or my grandpa telling me he will always remember me and sorry again for the birthday present being late. And my heart is quietly  trying to comprehend that truth. My name written on Your hands. And how I buy dresses though it’s not me and have a b&n gift card waiting til I read what it’s in front of me. 

It’s like You want to dress me Your words.

I love you.

Receive me.

You are beautiful.

That is all I ever see.

No flaw within you.

Make your home in Me.

My beauty.

My love.

My grace.

I will fill you.

There is no hurry.

Enjoy me.
And my only prayer is: help me.

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4 thoughts on “self hatred i can’t quit

    • I’m learning everybody is broken. And they aren’t Him, but His light shines through them. Thank you for the reminder that He loves me. may he bless you today. And always ❤️

  1. Hi, there, I am moved by your honesty before God. Your desire to trust pitted against the anxiety. Sister, He hears our cries, vulnerable as they are. I have been there too. It’s so hard sometimes. Don’t give up. He sees. He knows. He is with you. So glad I read your post tonight. Visiting from FMF, your friend in spot 67.

    • Christina, I read this last Saturday and cried. I really needed to know I’m not alone in this and that God still sees and cares. I need to know constantly it seems.Thank you for sharing and reminding I’m not the only one who’s dealt with anxiety. ❤️ God really is faithful.

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