world won’t topple me

Even as I cry holding the danimal yogurt close

To my lips – I hear you say

Be thankful for this, my child.

It will be okay. You will smile again- I promise. Come, rest.

And I stand, feeling weak. I need 

You, Abba. I need Your hand to

remind what is to spin and laugh 

As if the cares of this w

Fmf: rest.

I did a lot of crying yesterday. I felt like at any moment, i was going to burst into a million pieces over friends pain, my own pain. Everything made me just want to sit and cry. I don’t understand why even the smallest thing makes me want to cry, unless God is breaking me open to his love. So gently, too.

Sitting still to be loved is hard.

smile heals me

If I lose my mustard seedof faith, will you love me still-

Abba? I awoke with a voice

in my head that said I was 

Ugly & I sighed in belief because

I can’t change myself, these thoughts that cross examine

My every motive. Will you come

soon enough and put me on your 

shoulders and take me to a place

where your sm
fmf: lose

I had this image of Abba and I in a field while writing the end of this. He is looking at my blues and reaching for my hand, telling me again and again: it’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad, feel deeply.

And I just want to run into his arms and sob: none of this feels okay. Look at me. I feel like the more I share my heart, everyone goes or silence or shame and I don’t know how to explain all these feelings, the ones tha yearn for the people you’ve put in my path to see you. For me to see you. How do you stay in relationship with me? How do I stay in relationship with those that do know you and don’t.

Let me love you, he whispers in my ear. Then it will be an overflow of my love to those that need it and you, who needs never walk alone. And talk to me always, darling. Be open and honest. Know I hear you. And I am not walking away.

I love you. Receive me. And those I send your way. Rest in me.

hold tighter to You

I don’t want toadmit I’m afraid of

my heart–the longing 

is deep and wide for attention,

the kind of a lover, a friend. No

one quite understands the way I 

sit & try to push away the fear-

You can’t have a guy as just a friend. You always crave more &

You can’t talk to them normally. I say this to myself and try to justify 

that I’ll be fine with all the worship 

music, if I 

fmf: want

This week I’ve been met with my fear Jesus has left and my longing to be in love. And to have a guy as a friend. I try very hard to hide this second thing because I don’t like how my heart is terrified it could fall apart. Because I can’t seem to break the thought maybe this guy would understand me. Love me through my humanness. And if I I’m honest, I’d like a guy to complete me. But broken doesn’t heal broken, and I should never put that on someone. Especially since I struggle so hard with idolizing, so I’d rather be alone. Or to journal and read God’s word forever. He’s the only one who can complete, heal me because He is complete and I am complete in love with Him.

My head knows that last one, heart is slower and freaked out by all this. 

Sigh. Dear me, please stop analyzing. Pay attention to the longing. You are allowed to have it even if it scares you. Don’t be so cynical either. I know it’s because you are in denial and afraid, but it’s okay. It’s okay to be broken and don’t and wonder if God even sees how you can’t handle yourself and you need Him to fill you constantly. And if it’s okay to be in relationship – want it. It is. Let Him come to you. Let Him love you even as you can’t trust. Sit Him as you are, He hasn’t left you. Doesn’t plan to. He knows all your desires and He will fill them. They are His after all. Your desire for love is His desire for you. Think about that for awhile. I know you are bleeding out your heart, but as you are weak He is strong. His compassion will come again. You are sitting outside in heat and yet there is shade. And Sara Groves is in your ears. And your sister brought you brownies and you mom brought you coffee. The compassion is right here, maybe not in all the ways you want, but here all the same. You are loved, darling. Hope is holding your hand. Don’t let go. Joy is around, beside, ahead. Receive him. 

Love,

Julia

mess of a heart 

I used to think I had a haven

in books–stories

of a girl who found 

the boy, the one who

completed her. I hung

on every word, my heartbeat 

steady in expectation: maybe

Someone will love me that way.

Until I saw the break, the ache,

the happy ending on pages isn’t

what I see in the eyes of those around me, in the words spoken out, in ink. My chest, heart yearns

for a place I can speak without pretense: Abba, Father, come

into this 

Fmf: haven.

It’s been a week. A week of waiting, fear and honesty and some more fear. When I got into this whole launching book thing, I’d be reading books and learning to stretch my writing. 

I didn’t expect to go into my heart, into my past. I didn’t expect Jesus to keep telling me, you need to go back to go forward. Go back into your memories. I’ll be right here. You can be completely honest, mad and sad and laugh because I know you’re nervous. You can tell these people and your friends because they are still going to love you.

And you’re going to see Me. And know me. My faithfulness. So I tell him about the jealousy, about the anger, the bitterness. How I am terrified to trust and the desperation for love. The broken love of someone else, the way I look in their eyes or texts and see myself. The way I hurt people because I’m so hungry for this love because I know nothing else.

Except when I’m by myself writing, listening to music. I feel this gentleness in the ache, a whisper of it’s okay, you’re safe. And I say things like: I’m evil. You’re going to hate me. I can’t stop acting like this. What if You turn away, too? Hurt me? That’s what I deserve. So, come on let me have it. But wait…don’t.

And he goes:

Here’s a flower.


And a cat:

It’s going to be alright. This is a part of relationship. You’ll find joy again.

And my chest aches because I know He’s right.

In His right hand are pleasures evermore.

And together, we sit & wait.