I’ve been here before,
thinking this boy will make me
happy–we’ll have long talks about Jesus
& life & everything
will be fine. God, I am slow in learning to
do the right thing & pull the cord from
what is already dead will still break your
heart. The process of letting go so You
can have more or me
This week has been interesting. Not only have I been enjoying launching this book, I’ve been dealing with serious realizations God is on the pursuit of my heart. I’ve heard of this, but haven’t been too aware of it.
From the beginning of the week, I’ve been stuck on this word: forbearance. I’ve been asking God, wait, isn’t that a fruit of your spirit? You wait on me? I can’t do this.. I’ve been feeling the nudge to let go of this boy who I let back into my life without really thinking anything would happen.
Wrong. I’ve been watching myself get hurt and jealous (grossiest emotion ever), waving it off for the attention. And hoping just maybe he’d want to talk about Jesus as much as I do lately. But after this week and last week, I can’t change or force people to talk about Jesus (and love doesn’t force itself on you.) I don’t want to either.
So today, I let him go. And I’m terrified because I don’t want to turn back again. I think I’m always going to want to talk to him about Jesus, but I need to protect my heart. Admitting that is hard with the longing being so big and fearing Jesus can’t fill this hole.
But he is faithful to the faithless. And he is strong while I am weak. It’s amazing to see how he has a strong hold on me, when I think he’s left. Nope. He’s been waiting for me. And though this really hurts, this is a step forward I think.