leaves me heavy

I’ve been here before,
thinking this boy will make me

happy–we’ll have long talks about Jesus 

& life & everything 

will be fine. God, I am slow in learning to 

do the right thing & pull the cord from 

what is already dead will still break your 

heart. The process of letting go so You 

can have more or me
fmf: happy.

This week has been interesting. Not only have I been enjoying launching this book, I’ve been dealing with serious realizations God is on the pursuit of my heart. I’ve heard of this, but haven’t been too aware of it. 

From the beginning of the week, I’ve been stuck on this word: forbearance. I’ve been asking God, wait, isn’t that a fruit of your spirit? You wait on me? I can’t do this..  I’ve been feeling the nudge to let go of this boy who I let back into my life without really thinking anything would happen. 

Wrong. I’ve been watching myself get hurt and jealous (grossiest emotion ever), waving it off for the attention. And hoping just maybe he’d want to talk about Jesus as much as I do lately. But after this week and last week, I can’t change or force people to talk about Jesus (and love doesn’t force itself on you.) I don’t want to either.

So today, I let him go. And I’m terrified because I don’t want to turn back again. I think I’m always going to want to talk to him about Jesus, but I need to protect my heart. Admitting that is hard with the longing being so big and fearing Jesus can’t fill this hole.

But he is faithful to the faithless. And he is strong while I am weak. It’s amazing to see how he has a strong hold on me, when I think he’s left. Nope. He’s been waiting for me. And though this really hurts, this is a step forward I think.

4 thoughts on “leaves me heavy

  1. You are brave and strong. That is a hard decision to make. Looking at some of my own decisions, I realize that I often fall in love with the idea of someone- not the actual person, though I think it is the actual person. And too often I settle for that with God; knowing things about Him rather than knowing Him.
    Thanks for sharing!
    (Your Five Minute Friday neighbor)

    • Thank you. I don’t feel brand and strong, more terrified than anything else, but thankful I haven’t turned back yet. The temptation has been there..yes, I believe that’s true for me too. The idea of what I think the person will be, can be, and you convince yourself they are, but not. And me too on the settling; I’d rather not think God hates me though or doesn’t care, so I do need that changed.
      Thank you for reading, neighbor! ☺️

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