I must wait, still

Listen, child.

I love you: the

way you laugh at

the cat as she gives 

a look – why are you

singing about dreams

this early? The way you

don’t know what’s happening,

But keep crying, father, where 

Are You? I need You? This hurts, this 

waiting with a pain

in my soul? I’m so prideful, selfish, want 

want want these 

desires fulfilled. 
fmf: listen.

Dear God, I am tired. I think it’s a little beyond that honestly. My prayers are random tears and anger and sadness. And last night the fear of the dark kept me awake until 3 in the morning. I feel like I’m being tortured inside. You made a mistake, Julia. You’re doomed. SHAME. I sit and wait for a pointed finger. There’s shadows light up the room with the nightlight. I try to cover myself up some more. Tell myself there’s no reason to be afraid. Close my eyes. Jolt up at every noise. You must have calmed me down after I turned off the music the second time. And now I sit with Your words before me. You keep track of all my tears. My enemies retreat when I call to You. This I know: God is on my side. Your faithful love endures forever. And I could keep going, but just got distracted AGAIN. Thank you for giving me love regardless of how I’ve been. Pumpkin muffins. A chocolate bar. Time to just talk to You. One of the skit guys liking a photo from years ago when there’s no way he’d be able to find it without You. There’s not an appropriate hashtag. How could I not trust You? How can I constantly turn my back and say: I still don’t trust You. You’re going to hurt me or tell me I need to achieve like I constantly hear in my head. And You give me this or I give you this, then there’ll be love. But all I keep hearing is, Come as you are. Okay. I’m here. I have nothing more than this broken heart and a mind that isn’t sure. I’m going to sit here and sing. Please show me there is more. In Jesus name, amen.

4 thoughts on “I must wait, still

  1. Thank you for writing– I feel like I said almost all of those things to God last night– so thank you thank you for sharing so that others (me) can feel not so alone or ashamed or beyond use-💗you😘

    • You’re welcome-he really is giving me words because I don’t have any. I just have a tiredness and heaviness of soul that wow, feels like a stone of sorrow. Thank you for loving me from a distance that seems to be abridged every time one of us speaks love. It feels like Jesus’ joy springs up in me when I give to you or you go me. My words will be a hand to hold whenever you need it, Hollie. Together we can share the shame and find maybe that is our greatest use, knowing we aren’t alone in our brokenness. I love you, too. 😘

  2. Hugs! We’re all traveling that path with you, Julia….Each of us with our struggles and the Bible tells us we’re in good company, filled as it is with struggling characters. YES: “But all I keep hearing is, Come as you are.” Amen!

    • Hugs back!! Thank you, Anna. ❤️❤️ for encouraging me and reminding me those in the bible struggled, but everyone around me does as well. With me. Harder to see at times. Coming as I am is probably one of the most terrifying things. It’s really showing me how much I must depend on and need Jesus. ☺️

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