rather have me wait for you

The week starts with a breakdown 

of my body & an ache

in my soul as my body 

heats & chill &. goes 

back to normal. I fall

Asleep on his word-

I’ve done this to break 

your pride, your trying

trying trying. Impatience.

Abba, why this test to sit

still & wait & see when I want

to run & do. I can’t. I can’t. So,

I cry because I know this is best, to pour 

over your word,

for you’d 

fmf: test.

I love how this is so spot on this week. Surprised it’s coherent. This week has been whoa. So many trying days filled with anger at myself and aches in my body and a tiredness that makes me feel I could sleep for days. I’m grateful Jesus has given me so much time with him because there’s no one else I’d rather explode to than others (which I’m pretty sure I have, but the kindness shown to me has helped me see Jesus is watching me). So many days this week, I’ve drifted to sleep at the table while the cat randomly nuzzles my head. Or when I am awake(ish) grabs my hand with paws and holds it with one to her face. And no matter how much I want to get mad or frustrated that I can’t read my bible or take notes on a book, I can’t because too precious she is.

You can’t get mad at this. Fierce love. Her eyes say it all. 

I may or not share way too many pictures of this kitty, but too presh not to. God, thank you for Juno, who seems to be always close beside me when I can’t hold myself up, when I can’t see where I am going and when I feel most alone. She plops herself down and tries to knead me or rest in my lap or in my journal or bible. She shows me so much about you. How you want to be with me in whatever mood I’m in, even though sometimes I don’t want You there. You come anyway. You look at me, hold my hand, and whisper, I love you this way. And no matter how I want to change my sorrow and anger toward my unhurry, you understand and won’t leave me. Please keep showing me this and you still delight in me. In Jesus name amen.