don’t know what to do.

Now here I sit

under covers &

a lamp light illuminating 

part of the room, with two

lights on the ceiling. God,

I need no help seeing guilt

turned shame in my heart.

How I’ve ran so far from you.

Into the fear and brokenness,

but yet I find I still tremble 

when you wish to look upon

my sorry. I’m sorry will no longer do–

don’t wish to learn 

at a school or get a job when I d

fmf: now

Last five minute friday of the year today. So weird because I could keep going but I think it’s good to take a break and go into the new year refreshed. I’m so thankful for this community. 

I feel like I need some major refreshment in my life. In all areas but majorly in the way I see Jesus and how he sees me. My word for this year has been “receive” and I’m not sure I’ve done so well with that. Or maybe I’ve been looking at it wrong. I think I’ve been looking at it like: Jesus has this huge surprise and it’s going to fix everything, make me feel better. And that is silly. He is the surprise and the comforter. I’m very confused about my life and all these desires that seem light years away. Like launching someone’s book or at the very least, making graphics for them.  Or if my writing is going anywhere – if it has a purpose, direction. If God is really directing my steps and delights in EVERY DETAIL of my life. 

I know he is directing me at a more slow pace than I feel most are moving. And that he delights that I love hours at the kitchen table with him. When I get distracted by Instagram and when I get lost in yet another Sara Groves song for the millionth time. That I want to pray more though at times lately I’m not sure he’s listening and my energy is low. He delights in the friendships he is brought through this blog and launch teams, Instagram and real life that are far but worth it no matter how hard it feels sometimes. He delights in how I want to know who he is more and myself. He delights in that I want to feel the joy of Christmas, his coming to embrace me. My family. My friends. I honestly don’t even see all this til I write it.

He delights in us. May we receive this delight of God with us again this Christmas.

to untangle such disarray.

What joy can I find

in today – when my

inner dialogue & those

around me are all screaming,

won’t you be by my side? Why 

did you do this, do that? 

and I wonder, Abba, if 

right here is enough. To

let you hear these cries and

bring them once again to Your

feet. I need you, Abba, & so do 

they. We all do. & I don’t know

what else I can do 

fmf: joy.

Christmas, or leading up to it, really makes me see and hear and feel pain of others that just shocks you still. Or makes me want to hide away. Because I  want to help and fix it, make it stop. But I  can’t find helpful words and I  don’t know what to do. And I’m not sure if Jesus is really hearing my heart cries or if it’s enough what I’m telling him outloud. If the continued lie that brokenness is all there is, will continue to whisper louder, the more truth seems to pour out though i’m distracted every few minutes. And want to cry and get so mad: Jesus, I’m done! That’s it! This hurts. Can’t you wipe it all away? Can I hide away forever? In the shadow of your wings I am safe right? You are refuge. You are the hope that doesn’t disappoint because of the love you have poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit? Did I say that right? All this time getting into your word and reading is bringing about something beautiful? Can I experience your joy for me this Christmas? You coming into my need that I won’t miss it?

Maybe the joy is the knowing Jesus knows my heart and wants to hear me express it. He knows neediness and doesn’t mind it. Believing he wants to help is a little harder, but he says he holds me by my right hand, do not fear. I will help you. So, okay. But I’d be lying if I said I feel covered in darkness and he already passed me by still.

May your consolation bring me joy that you know my doubts. About Christmas. About your plan for my life. Friendships. Family. Everything.

Through the joy of every morning 

My love will be yours. (okay, Jesus, okay.)

truth: all is well.

At this table

again, I sit. I

look out the window

and catch a glimpse 

of a leaf I mistake for

a bird pass by. My question

rises again: are you personal,

God? How far have I fallen? I can’t feel 

 you holding me still.

I crave to be in arms i know where all is 

quiet & I don’t need

the answer but to hear the tr

fmf: crave.

Between yesterday and today, there have been some water works over thinking God is not personal, surrendering what I thought I didn’t really want but actually did. And having to give up control. And sit in the wait and see God is right there. He didn’t leave and he’s not angry about my desire to be helpful and knowing I need him so much. To be wrapped in his love. I just want to soak myself in His word. Sometimes I wish surrender didn’t hurt, that there was such joy. And I seem get stuck in the pain and anger and sorrow, I can’t see how giving it up will help. Or how I can acknowledge them and give them up. Have a long way to go in maturity.

Disappointment hurts especially when you don’t get why, but I’m holding onto this: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”  ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬.

And this.